Repressed memories

Hello everybody, I’m a 30 year old female. I know I was sexually assaulted in some shape or form in childhood, but I do not know when or by who. In fact, my infant brother died when I was 10 years old, and my mother had extreme mental health issues (so his death was of course, handled poorly). We were put into foster care for a few months following, etc.

So again, no recollection of 98% of my memories before 10. Funny enough, most of the memories I do remember, is extreme incidents of me acting very inappropriately. Like, so deranged and weirdly inappropriate I’m morbidly embarrassed by half of them.

I never really thought about being abused until I was about 19. I’ve always had the visceral reactions; but that was about it. I was also struggling with bad alcoholism and mainly thought about it then, blackout drunk.

Anyways, as the years have past, I’ve come to accept that’s what happened. But I now have a son who I have to worry about. Since I do not know who my abuser is, how do I know I’m not sending my son off with them to be harmed? I’ve always suspected my dad, but it’s strange, cause it’s not a hard suspicion. Just something I’ve always thought in passing. But I have no real reason to believe that other than the fact that I know he was also abused sexually as an adolescent and you know the stigma around those who were abused will go on to abuse others… (not saying I believe that cause I don’t) 😩

I’m so lost and scared. I need to know who abused me so I can feel safe letting my son go with his grandparents. Anyone in a similar situation? Anyone able to recover memories?

I did search other repressed memories posts in this sub, but it seems like everyone knows who their abuser was. I feel hopeless 😢