still in denial

i’m not even sure why i’m posting this, my experience was nearly two years ago and i’ve never went as far as to asking for advice, but here i am.

i just feel so alone in this so i wanted to ask if anyone else had an abuser who flipped things around on them. our relationship was very good for the most part, but early into it he played a role of a guy who was really silly and kinda dumb, almost oblivious to the stuff around him. a lot of the stuff that happened to me (choking, touching me during my sleep) i would have originally kinda consented to and after that he just didn’t ever stop, it made me uncomfortable and i thought my body language portrayed that.

i have a history of similar things happening to me as a child and he knew this, i had a tendency to freeze up. in incidents where i did say no i’ve still convinced myself that he didn’t mean to, i eventually became reactive and i was mean to him at times. when things finally ended (he left me) he said i ruined him and told everyone this.

i’m starting to feel convinced that i might just be crazy and he really didn’t mean to do the things he did, there was a lot of little lies and things that don’t seem like abuse until it’s all strung together but there’s such a strong part of me that still feels like i’m making it up because i’m petty. is there a chance he really just didn’t know what he was doing? i don’t know, i think i could also just be in denial.

i don’t know why it’s all catching up to me now, after all this time but it is. i left out a lot of other instances but i don’t know how much i’m allowed to share on here when it comes to detailing abuse. i apologize if this comes off as very rambly and all over the place, i just feel very disconnected right now.