I hate sleeping

I spend most of my days dreading going to bed. The second I put my head on the pillow I start panicking. Knowing that at any moment I’m gonna go under again. I can’t escape it. I need to be trapped in my own body for hours or else I die. I can’t even scream for help. I can’t do one more night of this shit. What’s worse is that I also need sleep to build muscle, something I’ve been trying to do for years. I’m tired of looking like a skeleton, but unfortunately I’m gonna be stuck that way because I’m so pathetic. I can’t do something that every healthy human does every single night. Maybe I’m just too messed up for life, I don’t know. I often ask myself if going through this shit every night is even worth it. Next time I go to bed I hope I don’t wake up.