I'm so sick of thinking about my weight

I am 5'4" and 120 pounds and I have been in this eternal cycle of dieting and eating disorders and binge eating ever since I was 12. I just wish I could just not care about it anymore. I want to be free and stop feeling guilty after every meal I eat. I hate feeling full but I also eat the most out of anyone I know to the point where my stomach hurts but I'm still eating, then I starve myself for the next day. I wish I could just eat normally. I wish I didn't hate my body so much. I hate that men can be fat and no one cares but I need to be 100 pounds to even look good. My entire life is literally consumed by these thoughts and I feel like I have no control over myself. I'm so jealous of people who can be naturally skinny. Why does it even have to matter I wish it didn't so I could stop feeling so miserable