ill never understand how my rapist wasn't at fault

Ill never understand how nobody ever blames my rapist . Always that i gave mixed signals, we never discussed boundaries , he didn't know i didn't want it cause I didn't say anything or struggle .

how is he not to blame just cause he didn't know that I didn't want it?? I always thought the rapist is to blame no matter what but in my case I'm always told he is as innocent as I am ?? We were together only 4 months by then if that gives any context . We had never even discussed when we would do it for the first time because I was only 15 and never imagined doing it any time soon at my age.

I want to accept and move on but I cant when everyone in my life has always told me he isn't to blame for what he did to me. He fucked over my perception of sex to the point I cant even do it with my current boyfriend. It fucks my brain over so much that other people's rapists are at fault but mine isnt , even when I was told it's always their fault . Why ???

Why is this so hard for me to accept ? Why do i have to be this selfish ??? This is so hard on me mentally recently , God.