Hey

My Love, maybe don't read this one. . . .

Life seems so unfair.

The time we spent together in retrospect seems so short, and at the same time i have thousands of tiny memories of time we spent together. It seems unfair that you are gone, it feels like you've been ripped away from me.

Imagine for a minuet what it's like to go through life for all these years without something seemingly everyone else had. I was a sailing boat, everyone else around me speeding by me in their modern watercraft. I was only able to move around when the wind was blowing, yet everyone else could move effortlessly.

You changed all that for me, coming along side me, allowing me to move at the same speed and direction as the rest of the world.

I didn't realize until now that I was so much worse off than that. I know now that I wasn't even in a boat, I wasn't even swimming. I was only treading water and the current was the only thing moving me.

I wish I knew how you felt, I wish I could know, I wish I could ask you. Were you treading water too? Did we build this boat together only to abandon it now? I may never get these answers, and I somehow have to be okay with it.

I jumped off the ship we created together, and I jumped back into the cold water and started treading it again.

It's not that I didn't try. I have this thing I do, highlighted for me most by our relationship. I reach a breaking point, and cut and run. I felt like I couldn't make it work, make us work. I put a lot into trying, it wasn't for lack of effort, but that day when I told you I couldn't get it across the finish line I thought I was out of options. I thought it was unfair to you to keep trying when the chances were so low. I thought I should stop being so selfish in asking you again to stay and trust me. I thought that day that if I asked you to stay longer the emotional devastation would be to great to you later on, and I though I was saving you from pain.

In the end it's painful either way. I see clearly now when you told me I was messing with your confidence, and more than that, because in the end, you were my confidence, and it broke me too. And now I have to live with breaking you, and it only seems fair that I got broken too.

Your so sweet to me, caring, and concerned. You will gladly take blame for things as if they are solely your fault, but it took two of us to tango.

What I cant grasp is why? Why did I get to feel this for the first time, for such a short time, only for it to just disappear. I should have just stayed in the water, treading.

It's better to have love than lost than never to have loved at all. Who even wrote that? Ignorance is bliss sounds more fitting to me.

I keep trying to figure out what stage of grief I'm in. The first 4 are easy to relate to, its the 5th one I have trouble with. I'm not even cycling through them in order, my ADHD wont let me. So I jump randomly between them depending on the day, time, and weather outside.

I created this account on propose, because this more than anything in my life has proven it to be true. This whole thing, this situation feels incredibly unfair. It's not fair that I met you when I did, fell in love with you, found happiness in aspects of my life that I never thought I would. I got to taste it, but the meal isn't on the menu. And the prize I get? I get to see you making someone else happy. They get You and they don't even know what they have.

Today I'm still on stage 2. Anger. Never directed towards you, how could it be? But I am angry at the world, maybe the "universe" maybe just God. What possible lesson am I supposed to learn from this? The only one I've come up with is that life is hard. Sometimes life just sucks and it doesn't feel like mine will be feeling better anytime soon.

So I keep sending these letters into the void. Truthfully, they are as much for me to strip my mind of these thoughts and purge them out, as they are for you. This one though, is mostly just the former, not the latter. The last thing I want you to do is feel bad for me, I know your broken by this too. And I know I am a big part of the cause of that brokenness.

It's hard out here without you, and it's even harder than it was before, because now I know you exist.

I'm sorry if you read this, don't feel bad for me. I've created this as much or more than anyone else.

But if you did anyway,

I miss you

I love you

if you need something, anything, I'll still be there waiting and ready.