Dear Twin

I know I’m not supposed to message you here. Probably not even supposed to know this page exists. I’m sorry in advance for doing so. I know I am being selfish.

I feel I have a right to be upset with you not communicating your safety to me, but I am not. At all. I just want you to be okay, even if we never talk again. I’m not sure if you think this is some sort of romantic thing for me or something, but I can assure you it is not. I was good to you before I felt anything for you romantically; I was good to you after. My goodness to you has never been contingent upon having any romantic feelings toward you. I accept your decisions because I trust you. I will always accept your truth. On the same hand, if you do not want me to care, I’d also like that to be communicated too so that I can do right by you in a different way. You cannot hurt me by being honest with me.

This is gonna sound weird. I don’t really understand what you are, but I am not sure I’ve ever unconditionally cared for another human being the way I care about your wellbeing. I’m not even sure I could even be mad at you, because it feels like I understand everything you do and that’s been complicated to process. I’ve tried to make sense of it but I can’t. When I met you, my life got better. My music got better. I called it sunlight because the only thing I can liken it to. That’s why, I never asked to be anything more than here if you need me, and told when you don’t. I just wanted you to be happy, safe and living your life in the way you want. I don’t know what it is but no matter how much I try to ignore every thought about you, or how long I go in between thinking of you, you keep popping back into my head. Just because I think of you and hope you’re safe and well. It’s all weird.

I don’t know what I am to you ______. I tell myself that I mean nothing to you because that seems much easier to digest and understand. I tell myself that you probably do shit like this all the time. But no matter how many times I try to subscribe to that thought process, something in me wants to call your bluff. I do not take you to be someone who spins the block often, and we only knew each other for three months. You were gone for 4 times the amount of time we spent as friends and still came back. Maybe you don’t feel the same level of care I do, but I do think you feel something even if you never admit it. I think there’s a reason you felt safe enough to do that.

I’m not expecting a response, I’m just not sure I could’ve let you leave again without saying something this time. I don’t need anything to come from this but I can’t hold onto it without you knowing the truth.

I believe in you. I’m rooting for you. I’m here if you need me.