Uni or defer? :(

Hello! Really need to make a decision and am still lost! Thought I’d fail my A-Levels, didn’t mentally or practically prepare for uni, got 3A*s and now I start in less than 3 weeks.

I’m autistic, and this is a LOT of change for me that I was not prepared for at all. I’m not entirely sure that the course I’m doing is right for me. I’ve spent a week deliberating this (since results day) and have decided that I want to defer so I can fully ready myself for my course and can work, travel, etc. I’ve flip flopped on this decision so many times despite being told nothing but good and appealing things about the uni, which kind of tells me that yes, I shouldn’t go.

But I’m so afraid of not going. My mum is a severe alcoholic and she has been pretty nice and sober since results day because she knows how stressed I have been about this decision, but over the past few days I’ve kind of been snapped back into reality as she’s been really abusive towards me again. This makes me want to go, to get away from her, but also I just do NOT feel ready at all. I think if I go to university now, I will shut down completely, especially since it’s in Scotland and I’ll be 7 hours away from anyone I know.

So I’m kind of stuck between a rock and a hard place here! I’m also afraid that if I can’t defer, and withdraw my application, then I’ll won’t get any offers next year (which I know is stupid because of my grades)

Any advice is really welcome!!! :)