After year of never feeling at home, frozen in self loathing

This was my life for all of 2024. Cycles of attempts at cleaning, zero motivation, the sight of my own filth was fueling my already debilitating self hatred which circled me back to ignoring the mess. Funnily enough, I maintained a decent cleanliness in other rooms. Just enough for a guest to not judge. Rushing to close my bedroom door from shame. At times having nowhere to run from the voices made me almost catatonic. I’m schizophrenic and quit taking chemical meds 3 years ago. Doing alright mostly. I feel shame showing this. Took me 10 hours. Shaking as I type this. This sub was the biggest push. I envied the liveliness I saw in the before/afters. I mostly was afraid that if I pass away for some odd reason in here, I’ll be found in my filth.. fck it’s been 45 minutes of trying to make this post. I’m done