I dont think i love my mother anymore

I've always had a weird relationship with my mom but she keeps getting worse as i grow more dependent on her/others. My dad is neglectful and abusive, me and my siblings were socially isolated by him up until middle school and everything had to be on his terms. Obviously my mom wasn't getting what she needed from that marriage so she turned to me for emotional support, which i think would have been at least a little bit better if she was also my emotional support and it didn't start with her begging me to hide her self harm from my father. All this to say i have been a secondary spouse to her for almost ten years. I am 21 years old.

I've had multiple suicide attempts, at least 2 complete breaks from reality (most recently i was up for 3 days and turned our bathtub into my bed) and no matter how many times i tell her to please take me somewhere next time this happens, she always always listens to me mid breakdown. that I'm fine. that i don't need help, I'll be ok. i am not in my right mind when i say these things, i am a danger to myself and others when i say these things, and she listens every single time. When am i supposed to believe I'm going to get help. Once i thought maybe if i just opened myself up more that would fix it, that i wasn't communicating right, instead when i told her my only saving grace was my inability to walk she told me i could crawl. How am i supposed to ask for help after that.

I've come out of therapy appointments and the first thing out of her mouth will be about her struggles at work, didn't even ask me how it went. And 9 times out of 10 when she did remember to ask, she didn't really listen to what i had to say and brushed right past it to complain about her coworkers. Not to mention if i want her to acknowledge and change her behavior i absolutely MUST do so in a complement sandwich or else I "hurt her feelings and really don't appreciate being spoken to that way" and I'm made to feel guilty for standing up for myself and my boundaries.

She put ME in charge of her cigarette/alcohol consumption (like she would ask me if she was allowed to smoke/drink, which would normally sound considerate but the way she went about it was weird to me) and when she does drink she calls me her soulmate and the love of her life. Just hearing her say the words 'i love you' is enough to send me into a panic anymore. when i say it back it feels like a lie. I barely feel my own emotions because they simply aren't a priority, which i guess i don't help but i feel like i shouldn't have to beg my own mother to think about my feelings.

This is also all happening while i watch her drive my younger sibling halfway across the state for a 40 min doctors appointment. They get to go to urgent care because of a pain that they've always had. When there have been nights where i'm in so much pain i can only sob. One time i was so sick and i had been puking for so long i was worried about dehydration; she spiked her coffee right before urgent care opened, despite me saying i wanted to go when they did. I've slowly been losing my ability to walk and as its progressed shes been treating me more and more like a burden. I'm prone to falling, one day she caught me and accidentally hurt her arm and guess what that incident has been about since. I'm so scared and I'm sick of being scared without even my mom to hold my hand through it.