My internalized homophobia ruins my friendships with straight men

To preface, I ran this post through an ai rewrite because it was just word vomit and I couldn’t really find the words to originally.

I’ve been dealing with a vicious cycle that destroys my relationships with my straight male friends, especially the ones I find attractive. It’s like I put them on this ridiculously high pedestal, idealizing everything about them. And sometimes if I find him attractive I convince myself he’s not completely straight and might be interested in me. I get in my feelings and warp how I see them to the point where I can’t just be their friend anymore because I’ve literally objectified and frankly sexualized them so much that I don’t see them as the person they actually are anymore. When I get to the point of wanting to ask them about their feelings, I suddenly realize how creepy I’ve been acting.

I start hating myself for being gay, for even thinking those things, for letting my attraction to them ruin everything. Thennn I get jealous of their lives—their friendships, their confidence, their ability to just be. I even get upset over their hobbies, like playing video games or loving franchises like Dune or Halo. None of these things are inherently “straight,” but the fact that they get to enjoy those things without being weighed down by this part of themselves that makes them “different” crushes me. It’s such a different perspective to me for someone who is gay and has those hobbies and someone who is straight and has those hobbies. I feel disingenuous and like I’m not a real guy. I hate my gayness because just being gay makes doing something stereotypically straight feel like I’m not doing it right or not having the right experience with it. But I still want to do it. I get really jealous of my friends who grew up with all their guy friends together and have a big group because I’m constantly on the outside because I don’t really relate to them, and I don’t have many girl friendships. I wish I could enjoy those things as a “normal” straight guy, without overthinking everything or feeling like I don’t belong. Even if I could somehow force myself to act more like them, I’d still feel disconnected because of the way my attraction complicates everything. I’d still feel jealous, embarrassed, and out of place. It feels like my sexuality is this barrier between me and the life I want, and I hate myself for it. Every time this happens, I lose not only the friendship but also another piece of my ability to feel good about myself.