Found out my wife is cheating on me.

This is probably going to be long. I'm not looking for advice or anything, I just need to tell "someone".

I will start by saying I am not 100% faultless in this, I could have been better or done more.

Here is some of the back story/info that is important. My(35m) wife's(35f) older sister passed away December 2019, she had lots of health problems but obviously no one expected her to pass away. My wife was 8 months pregnant with our daughter at the time, we had just recently moved into a bigger house, her parents were in the process of moving to be closer to us to help with our kids, and then covid hit in March. So she never got a chance to properly mourn or griev her sister. Here is my ultimate mistake that lead to our undoing, my wife and her sister DID NOT have a good relationship. They always fought and anytime my wife talked about her it was about something she did that drove my wife crazy. The relationship started to get better when our first child was born in 2018, the sister was trying to get better to be a an aunt( she had a lot of mental health issues as well as physical health issues). But the relationship was never at a point where you could call it good, obviously the loss of her sister was incredibly difficult for my wife and her family and I was supportive and did everything I could when it first happened.

As the years went by my wife never brought her up except around sister's bday and anniversary of her passing, I would be supportive in those moments but I never brought her up or checked in with my wife about her throughout the year (my major mistake). My mistake was that because they didn't have a good relationship and she never brought her up I didn't think she was struggling as bad as she was.

This past December goes by and my side of the family scheduled our Christmas get together on the anniversary of her sister's passing. My wife told me this day was not a good day for her and I told that to my family but they said it was the day that works best for everyone else and I didn't fight it (a great regret of mine knowing what I know now).

After that day my wife slowly got more and more distant from me. We had great sexual chemistry, averaging probably 4 to 5 times a week. It stopped immediately, when I asked what was going on she said she is really struggling with her sisters passing this year and wasn't feeling sexual. I completely understood and never pressured her or pressed it any further. But we were also just a very physical couple, always hugging, kissing, holding hands, cuddling on the couch, always fell asleep cuddling each other. Over the next week or 2 that all dried up as well. She stopped wearing her wedding ring, she stopped saying that she loves me, even after I would say it to her first.

She just became extremely distant, and anytime I would initiate a serious conversation about what's going on between us she would say it's just her trying to work through her own personal issues with her sister. She would assure me that it wasn't an us thing and she was just battling her own demons right now. I would offer her any and all support I could give but she wouldn't open up to me about her sister or what she was going through. I would beg her to talk to me but she just said she couldn't/wouldn't. That was my January.

By February it felt like we were just co-parenting roommates. We barely talked, any talking we did daily was awkward surface level small talk. I would ask her how her day was, how work was, how her hobby(axe throwing) was going and got basically 1 word answers. Maybe once a week I would ask her to sit with me and have a serious talk, I know she was dealing with her sister still bit it became very apparent that it was an us problem. Any serious talk we had started with good intentions and me begging to be let in but would devolve into blaming each other for the way things were. During this I found out that a guy she used to know before we met came into her work early in the new year. She said they had a talk and he pointed out that she looks sad and like she's struggling and she just broke down and sobbed and opened right up to him with what's going on with her. She would tell me that for some reason it's easy for her to open up to him and talk to him despite me begging to be the person she opens up to.

He was helping to look after a new dog my wife brought home (she works at a veterinary hospital). The dog was a puppy and was crazy/destructive in our house and between both our schedules we weren't able to get the puppy out for exercise/stimulation as much as she required. He offered to take her(puppy) and we were doing a time split kind of thing with dog. But it meant she was seeing this guy "John" 2-3 times a week dropping the dog off and picking her up. She started staying out late and was barely around the house anymore, when I asked about it she would say she needs space. I should also note that end of January/beginning of February she started sleeping in our spare bedroom, saying she just needed more space.

Every alarm in my body was going off about this guy and this situation. Our relationship was very strained at this point and I didn't want to add accusations of cheating into the mix so naively I didn't ask or press it. More weeks of this go by. A year ago I asked for a referral from my doctor about getting a vasectomy and at the beginning of last week I got a call that they could do it this Friday that just passed. My wife was given a gift for her birthday for us to go do a thing called chef in the bush where you hike out to some spot in the woods and a chef cooks you a 5 course meal. I told her with the procedure on Friday I obviously wouldn't be able to go hiking into the woods on Saturday. She immediately asked if she could just bring a friend instead of canceling. She said she was going to bring this other friend "Jenny" who was going through some things of her own. I said no problem, although my mind was spiraling thinking she was actually bringing John.

She goes on this excursion and is gone all day, not getting home until 7pm. When she gets home I ask her all about it and she weaves quite a tale about everything her and Jenny did and ate and how it was so awesome. She plugs her phone in and goes for a shower. I have NEVER been the snooping type but I felt absolutely compelled to check her phone. There it was....all of it...not even trying to hide it in her phone because she knew I never went through it. Over a months worth of msgs with them telling each other how in love with each other they are and all sorts of photos together over the past month kissing and cuddling and holding hands, nothing x-rated.

My hands started shaking uncontrollably and my heart was racing, my worst fear come true. I immediately confronted her when she got out of the shower and she admitted to it. I asked if they had slept together which she denied but I obviously think she is lying about. After the fact I found out that the guy "I used to work with" was actually an ex boyfriend, a fact she left out when she first told me about him. Back when they worked together he was married and she was single and they had an affair that ruined his marriage (I should mention he is 10 years older than her). Now he is single and she is/was married and they had/maybe are still having an affair that ruined her marriage.

This happened 2 days ago and I just feel so low. 10 years of my life...I don't want to say wasted because it gave me my 2 children whom I love more than anything, but for lack of a better term, wasted. Now the thought of having to start over again is just so shitty, I thought I had it, the perfect life, all gone. The thing that absolutely tears my heart out though is the thought that now I will only get to see half of my small children's childhood. Half the holidays, just half of their lives and it makes me cry everytime I think about it including right now.

I know that was long but I needed to get it out, if you are still here reading this I thank you for your time.