I am a rape pig who deserves to be dead

I have been spiraling for the past few days because I just was recently kidnapped by a man who raped and beat me and the situation is not uncommon for me and I also have missed my best friend‘s birthday due to me trying to run numb my pain with alcohol. She deserves so much better than me and with me being gone she’ll probably be better because she is so concerned about me. All I want is death. I crave it more than anything. I don’t want to kill myself only because my parents have dealt with a child killing themselves before if I had a gun, it would be done. I am too afraid to overdose because I’m scared I will get scared and call the police and then I’ll have brain damage. I’m too scared to hang myself, but I’ve ordered extra sharp razors and I hope that will do the deed. I will not be scared by that and I’m just a complete and utter fucking mess right now and I just want to be done. I don’t wanna be a vessel for rape anymore. I just want to go to the spirit world. I hate me and I just see myself as a RAPE PIG