Strong suicidal ideation this morning

I’m 24M. I’m ‘conventionally attractive’ I guess? I get compliments on my appearance by strangers(plus my friends) almost on a daily basis, I work a full time job in mental health and make a decent living, and I’ve earned a bachelors degree in 2022. All of that sounds great right? Lol. Which can be, but my repressed child-hood trauma is such a set back. My dad was verbally and physically abusive, and only provided the bare minimum lol. I moved out as soon as I became a legal adult, and im pretty much no contact. I’ve had to fend/ earn everything on my own with 0 help.

Childhood trauma kicks me in the ass on a daily basis. Yes, I see a psych NP/ psychiatrist for med management and it seems to work. I don’t have bipolar, but I do have C-PTSD, mild depression/anxiety.. and possible ADHD. My childhood trauma haunts me everyday. I’ll be studying since im trying to go back to school, or I’ll be working, and a sudden specific scene of me getting abused from the past displays itself like I’m watching it on TV.

This morning I had this persisting urge to go to the gun store, buy a gun, finding some remote place, then shooting myself in the head. I have 3 adult siblings and they’re also all pretty much suicidal as well. But yea um… only recently it’s been ideation but this morning I was like reallllly considering it this time. I’m honestly ready to die lol. I don’t want to be here anymore. I’m exhausted and tired of pretending to be happy when I’m not. I wish I could do it but I can’t. It would devastate my clients I have at work, and my baby sister that I’m super close with.

If anyone knows what an ACE score is, mine is 6/10. Anywho. What the fuck is wrong with me LOL. I hate that my childhood trauma haunts me. My dads verbal and physical abuse haunts me everyday. I tried therapy for 6 months and we couldn’t even get to the childhood trauma portion bcuz it was just too much. My psych NP recommended/referred me to do EDMR? But we’ll see.