Yet another lonely Christmas without my son or family

I don’t know why I’m turning here, but I guess it feels good just to get this off my chest.

Christmas is approaching once again, and unfortunately, it’s not what it once was. The thought of celebrating Christmas alone again, away from my son, whom I’ve never celebrated Christmas with due to a strained relationship with my ex-girlfriend, weighs heavily on me.

My relationship with my son, who is now in preschool, isn’t what I wish it could be. This is largely because I suffered from postpartum depression after he was born, something that impacted my relationship with my then-girlfriend as well as my work. We eventually separated, and around the same time, I also lost my job due to the economic downturn.

I still haven’t been able to find a new job, and going back to school isn’t an option. I already have a master’s degree in engineering, but it’s in a field that has been hit hard by the current economic situation. I can’t afford to start studying again and am losing thousands of dollars every month—money I simply don’t have.

The loneliness and the constant feeling of failure weigh on me every day.

I have previous experience with self-harm and am currently on antidepressants while attending therapy. Sometimes I have moments where I feel better, but since this summer, it mostly feels like I’m fooling both myself and those around me about how I’m truly doing. Not that I have any real friends or family to deceive anyway.

It feels like I’ve started reaching the end of the road. Spontaneously, it seems like it would be better if my son didn’t get the chance to know me better—to be spared from knowing the failure of a father he has, someone who can’t take care of him or himself. A dad who can’t even scrape together enough money for a single Christmas gift or hold the family together when they needed me most.