I'll probably gonna do it in summer

I'm fed up with school pressure. sure, I'm doing fine for now(I'm already completely burned out), the only problem is math and fuuuuck I'm horrible at it. I was able to pass all my exams on a higher level (russian, physics, IT) but I'm just scared to find out my math results.i was studying for so longy grade now is like 2.50 and I think if I'll fail I just won't be able to recover from it.plus I'm scared off my teacher, and I'm scared off disappointing my parents.

so, yeah, if the results will be shitty I'll just give up, I'm sorry, I don't care anymore, if my whole life revolves around grades then fuck life like this, I don't want it, what's the point off living like this? for what? it's just the whole another topic...

my health gets worse and worse.I'm hardly sleeping, eating or even getting out off bed. and I still have to go to school and maintain good grades and social life, I barely got any energy to talk, but I'm still forcing myself to do so, everything feels like fever dream at this point

I'm slowly loosing my hope. my life goal was to get out off my country, cuz half off the world hates me and thinks I'm a terrorist, I have no future in this country,we all doomed here, after the war it just got worse. thank god, I'm a girl and won't get drafted, but what about my close ones? i'm tired of constantly worrying about all this. yeah, my home situation is pretty shitty but stillstill, I can't help myself

but now, after all the hard work, all the preparations for the exam, all dreams off leaving this country and living a better life, I realized ,that maybe, they were actually right?

I said it before and I'll say it again. maybe I just didn't deserved to be happy. it's not the country or school or people around me, it's not my family, it's just me. maybe, they were right, I just wasn't doing good enough, I wasn't working hard enough

the one thing that holds me here it the fact, that I don't want to traumatize my friends and I'm still just desperately clinging onto the hope, that I'll be able to leave this placeafter 9th grade

I really want to give up and just quit everything, I don't know for how long I'll be able to hold on

maybe I'll write something more detailed in the future but rn I just wanted to vent a bit, sorry. I'm repeating myself a lot, sorry