remembering my crazy stealth girl era from last year...

don't get me wrong, i like being stealth, but putting myself into the dating world with hypersexual men was truly such a danger (keep in mind, i'm pre-op). in september 2024 alone, i made out with 11 men, had stealth oral sex with one (i have a post abt that from months ago), and most of these situations were either with me being inebriated or high. one situation was bad enough where my friend at the time outed me to a group of burly australians who ended up being very left wing (funnily not my friend anymore heh...).

but the situation that is inspiring this post is one where i was actually sober. i went on this date with a guy who was getting his masters in my city. this guy was a boxer with a very built body and big bones. we talked a lot and i invited him to a friend's place because i was cat/house sitting. big mistake. this guy was sweet and all but. he asked me to show him a picture of my friends. i showed him one at an lgbt pride party where he just clocked my friends immediately as gay lol. so he was steering towards something. but before and after that we still kissed. then, he was trying to lift my skirt as we made out... i didn't allow him. he kept calling me shy. i have no idea if he knew and wanted to embarass me or had no idea.

we left together and i started harping about feminism and he said he doesn't like the idea of feminism... this man was a conservative. i was so sensitive at the time, after he blocked me i was sad and thinking i was at fault. like sis... you literally could've gotten choked out in a private place with no one to see by a man who was trying to start sexual intercourse with you... then the following week i gave the afermentioned stealth blow job to a guy. i was so desperate for male attention, i was tired of rejections, i was constantly putting myself in dangerous positions with male strangers. i'm not gonna lie, it was fun at the time. i felt like a baddie. i thought i had a cheat code. but it hurt me in the end to chase after men and attention.

but now i'm exhausted from men. i've only been "accepted" as trans by chasers, and even those chasers who paraded me as their cute little straight girlfriend with a vajayjay (situationships) would just play intense mind games with me and leave me hanging mid air after committing myself to them. i do believe in good men and in the idea of love, i feel like i've been seeking for it in all the wrong places.

it's sad this idea of love leads us to dark paths sometimes. it's hard not to feel good when you're being love bombed. how do you find the will to open up to someone else when you only know of manipulators? is dating supposed to be boring instead of an intense high like i've known it to be? just routinal check-ins at the cafe? i fall so fast and hard.

i've reached some kind of plateau here, not knowing where to follow. doctors told me my srs might happen in 2 years... that's a long time. i really would like to settle with a straight guy so bad right now.