Sad morning 😔...

Apologies in advance, I know this is a looooong post.

Going to drop this situation here, I posted in the BratLife sub but thought I'd ask you all what you might think. I'm literally about to start a conversation with my husband/Dom as soon as I post.

Yesterday I was a health issue very early in the morning (don't have a clue what it actually is, waiting for the doctor to get back with me about an earlier appointment than I have scheduled), and I got "yelled at" by my dentist because I did a bad thing last week and almost messed up all the work we had done (so close to the end of that).

We (I) decided that the playroom was going to have to wait at least until Saturday night, I want to be sure I won't do anything stupid and get hurt... An O and momentary fun isn't worth the risk that could have happened yesterday. So we went to bed and decided that we'd just have rough sex there: hand spanking, restraining me with his hands and body, lots of dirty talk, ect.

At one point I was RIGHT at the brink of an O; he was "forcing" me to cum over and over with his hands and words (damn man pavloved me and can make me cum with just his words, wtf 😒), he was also twisting my collar so his other hand for a bit of a choking sensation (actual choking was off limits because of the health issue I mentioned). Then... He stopped! Bastard edged me! When he moved to a different position I whispered "Damnit", I'd already been told more than once that if I kept whining I wouldn't get his cock (meanie).

I didn't mean to say anything out loud, it just slipped out. He asked me "What did you just say?", I just shook my head no. He said he knew I said something, "Why'd you say damn?", my Bratty ass refused to admit to it. He held me down with his whole body and at the same time as he pushed his cock into me he snatched my collar really hard and fast and THAT'S when things went a little sideways...

He called me a liar... A bunch of times. He kept saying it every time he would bottom out. Meanwhile he was still keeping my collar tight, I couldn't really say anything just move my head. When he let go and I could talk better I tried to tell him that I don't lie to him.

By this point I think I was just not enjoying myself, I didn't like him saying that and I started to feel like he was enjoying it for the wrong reasons. He didn't seem like the man I know. Yes, I know I could have used our safe word. Why I didn't at least say to stop (outside the playroom safewords aren't really needed, no means no) I really don't know.

When he was done, I asked him to get a wash cloth to clean up and when he came back to bed I just rolled over and wrapped his arms around me. I just told him that I don't lie to him, I never have. I told him I thought it was mean for him to do that. He didn't say much, just kept kissing my neck and shoulder and telling me that he loves me... Didn't apologize (I wasn't really expecting it, I'm used to him taking time to process his own feelings about things).

I didn't sleep well last night, I woke up alot and couldn't decide if I was more comfortable with him wrapped around me (my usual MO) or if I felt "suffocated" my human touch. I woke up early and just laid there looking at him and deciding if I had to pee bad enough to get out of bed for like 30 minutes. When I got up I kissed his cheek and told him I love him and always have.

So Brats, here I am, ass early in the morning sitting on the couch with my emotional support music, coffee and smoking like a damn chimney (I've been trying to cut down to quit by April when our grandson is born). Yes, I plan on talking to him today and making him actually talk to me about what happened.

There's so much that goes into the issues I have with what went down: I'M not the liar in this relationship, he's the one who has been proven to have lied many times, not me. I've never lied about anything that might affect us (white lies regarding gifts or surprises don't count, they're not hurtful). He's always been aware of my insecurities around that type of thing... The worst part about last night for me was that it almost felt like he wasn't actually WITH ME, like he was taking out something on me that he actually felt about someone else (if that's true I already know who it would be, and that's a HUGE DEAL).

TL;DR: He hurt my heart, I'm worried he let himself punish another person vicariously through me, this has never happened before and I don't know what to say or do about it. I want to slap him so hard and rail and scream at him. I know he still wrestles with his own demons and I don't want to make him feel worse than he should. I'm just lost right now, I don't have time to cry about it, too much responsibility right now.

TY for reading and any nice words or thoughts you all might be able to give. I know that was a long one.