guilt and hyperempathy

Marked as spoiler due to mentions of suicide ideation. Very long read ahead, sorry

Being alive makes me feel genuinely terrible. Not in a "i wanna kms" way but in a "sorry for breathing and existing in the same space as you. I didnt have a choice in being born" way, yknow? Like i feel horrible about it everyday. I called into work today because i felt terrible about the fact my coworkers have to be near me and work with me. It does make me suicidal a lot of times, this time included... Like "ohh im sorry i am using the printer, dearest coworkers.. u can just shove me out of the way and beat me with the staplers and maybe kill me im sorry for using the printer... I cant avoid using it... Sorry"

Everyday is so exhausting and humiliating. Like i feel sad because i have to be around other people and take up space that should go to someone more deserving. I had my performance review this week and i was praised/complimented but the whole time i just felt terrible. Like "surely they see im a idiot. Surely they see im a freak. Everybody knows!" I couldnt believe someone was being nice to me, ive never believed it. Why would anyone willingly be nice to me? I dont get it. I dont deserve it, take your kindness and give it to someone else more deserving..

And i feel so horrible for everyone around me. People talk about simple stuff at work, like how the weather makes their joints ache and i just sit there when i overhear it because i just think "its truly terrible this world is causing so much pain... Even the simple weather makes people hurt and ache..." Then i start thinking about how the joints feel. Like poor femur bone. The cartilage next to it probably hurts. I feel sad for inhuman objects and even body parts or stupid shit like trash blowing in the wind. I feel sad for atoms too, like when they break apart or fly thru space. They fly so far, i wonder if they miss the friends they made when they were someplace else, yknow?

Every small stutter in speech or a pause or mindless tangent i go on, i feel like im wasting everyones time. Just by talking, i take up so much space.

TLDR; literally everything makes me feel so terrible and guilty despite none of it having anything to do with me. like... Are you stupid? Its a fucking atom. U cant even see it dumbass why are u feeling sorry for it? Idk. Sorry for tangent.

Also sorry for any typos, i hope whoever reads this can understand me despite them. Sorry if you read this