living is so fucking hard

hey. im not suicidal or anything, this post is just to state the predicament i'm in.

living is like a game. a game with minimal guidelines, a game where you can't "undo" or "restart". it's a cruel game. built upon layers and layers of social constructs. simply having friends is nearly transactional. EVERYTHING is transactional. there is no "free pass" here. you give something, you gain something. tough. every time i go out with someone, i have to be conscious of my habits. do something out of the ordinary, and people will question. it's so suffocating.

living is a game with only one conclusion: death. regardless of what we do, what life we lived, we all face the same ending. most of us, doomed to mediocracy of a office worker, a doctor, or some random generic job out there. eat, sleep, work, repeat. every. single. day.

tiring process, isn't it? to know that regardless of what you do, you, and everyone else, faces the same thing. we are all the same. you could be a kpop idol, a cleaner, a doctor, and all of you would have the same routine. nothing comes for free in this world. maybe, the only difference is how fulfilling it is to work. but surely not everyone feels that way?

what about those who are doomed to live the lives they don't want to? live the next 6 decades doing it? the same goddamn, dreadful routine? what's the end goal? what's so good about living that it's better than dying?

do what if you're living for the experiences you'll never get to experience after death? if you were never born in the first place, you wouldn't even have KNOWN that these opportunities existed. "life" would've been simpler. it would simply be nothing.

it's like how people my life was before i got introduced to a certain hobby. i wouldn't have had to think about an occupation i wanted but couldn't obtain. i would've been satisfied with my life. just like how if you weren't living, you'd have no choice but to be satisfied. because you didn't even have the choice to think about any of these things.

again, not that i am suicidal. but wouldn't dying be easier than living? if i am doomed to never fulfil my dreams, then i might as well give up now and hope for a chance for rebirth. if reincarnation doesn't exist, that's fine too. i'll just become null and void, never needing to worry about such fleeting thoughts ever again.

anything would be better than having to live my life on the edge, bound by rules, social constricts, health constraints, etc. is all this suffering really worth the little amount of life experience and joys you gain? i'd better be receiving some emperor treatment, if so.

honestly, i'm not going to lie here. every day, and every week of my life feels so dreadful living this lifestyle. sometimes i genuinely imagine myself kms but its not like im suicidal suicidal yk.