Welcome to our zoo!

You’ve decided to visit our zoo! What’s the occasion? A birthday? Anniversary? Oh, just a visit. Alright. Well, if you’re planning on staying you’ll need to follow the rules listed in this handy book.

General:

1) Ignore any rules about visiting the meerkats. In recent years, we have had to change our policy on visiting the meerkat enclosure due to an unfortunate incident. Any rule regarding seeing the meerkats will be crossed out—it doesn’t seem like we can delete them whenever we print new rulebooks. That also goes for any other rules that have been crossed out. Just ignore them.

2) Don’t lose this book. At the end of your visit, you’ll need to return this book, so we can reuse it and not waste paper. If you do not return it, or you have damaged the book in any way, you will be dealt with. We’ve been needing a few more orangutans anyway.

3) Don’t get lost. Possibly everyone’s goal when they’re in a new place. There are plenty of signs to guide you, and you will have been given a map when you entered. If you didn’t, please find a staff member in a green polo, and they will guide you to the entrance to get you one. Any other colour isn’t us and they will lead you astray.

3a) If you meet a green polo employee, or someone in a different polo, and they lead you away from the entrance, scream. Scream as loud as you possibly can. Looking a fool is better than what they’ll do to you. I know you love wildlife, but I don’t think you’d want to join them. I don’t mean as food, either.

4) Don’t feed the animals. They’re only trained to accept food from green polo’ers anyway, but if you do manage to convince them that they can eat whatever it is you’re offering, dead or alive, they’ll assume all of you is okay. This also goes for petting them.

5) Bring your own food. Even though you cannot feed the animals, you can feed yourself—we encourage you to! Just don’t eat anything provided by the café staff. It isn’t that it’s particularly dangerous, it is just disgusting, and frankly a little disturbing. I swear there was an eye in my pasty once.

6) Always follow the staff. If you are on a guided tour, or are watching one of our splended shows, please make sure to always follow the green polo’er guiding you. Remember rule 2a here, as if any guide is wearing a different coloured polo, or are leading you somewhere other than advertised, they aren’t taking you on a “special tour”, as they like to call them. You will join the rest of the zoo.

6a) The different shows available: there are plenty of animal shows to watch, come to as many as you like. - The lion feeding: on the hour, every hour. You must watch it at least once. - The penguin show: on every 8am. and 5pm. It is not mandatory you go to these. - The sealion show: on every 8:30am. and 5:30pm. Once again, these are not mandatory. However, please refer to rule 2a in “animal specific”. - The meerkat feeding: come see us! Whatever you might have heard is all false. We’re perfectly friendly!

7) Only go to the gift shop after your visit. If you wish to visit the gift shop, and buy something for yourself or a loved one, always wait until after you’ve been into the zoo and had a good look around. Never go there before, especially if you don’t have a booking for our zoo. Greed won’t get you anywhere. The staff will know, and you’ll be shown how greedy our own friends can be.

8) You can trust our employees. The same can’t really be said for anyone else, though. If, at any point during your trip, you begin to feel unwell, or feel unsafe, please find the nearest employee. There will be one at every enclosure, as well as three at the entrance. You’re in safe hands here. They’ll take you back inside the entrance, and there is a small café where they’ll seat you and offer you some water. This is the only thing you can have from there—our employees just want what is best for you.

Animal Specific:

1) Always watch the birds. When walking through the aviary, be careful not to take your eyes off of the birds. If you do, you’ll see what happened to those who did. Don’t worry, just hold onto the handrail and pick a feathered friend to follow.

2) Always watch the lion feeding. Even if you don’t care about lions, always come watch. The show is on the hour, every hour, so you’ll be able to see them at least once. If you don’t, the staff will know, and they’ll show you how it feels to be ignored like that.

2a) Watch them at least once a trip. Once a trip is the minimum requirement—you can watch them up to three time a visit. Any more, and they’ll recognise you. Last time someone was recognised, we gained a new feline.

3) Never visit the meerkats. I know they’re popular among visitors, why wouldn’t they be? They’re cute and small! However, last time somebody got too close and they, unfortunately, decided to try feed them.

3a) As said in the general rules, if the animals can be convinced to eat something, they’ll eat all of it, and that poor woman became part of their diet permanently. Ever since, any human who has even just walked past their enclosure has become a target. We aren’t sure why they’re like this now. They also won’t eat anything us green polo’ers give them, and we can’t give them to another zoo. We’re just hoping they starve before the time comes to sell this place.

Anyway, please have fun! At the end of the day, thats all anybody can do, right? Follow these rules and you’ll be right as rain!