Sudden cat death. I can’t handle it.

Sorry in advance if this is all over the place.

On Tuesday my cat was just playing and being silly as usual and then seemed like he was choking. my boyfriend and I both tried to do the mouth sweep and he tried to do kitty heimlich. we rushed as fast as we could to the emergency vet but it’s a bit far. he was limp before we left the house and had passed by the time we arrived.

I’ve been crying and crying every day to the point it feels like it’s burning my skin. I’ve had to take him into the emergency vet I think 2-3 times in the last 6 months and I’ve done everything recommended. I’ve pushed for medications for his asthma and his urinary crystals. his supplement got refilled the day he died.

I just feel like absolute shit because I fought so hard for him and never knew when I adopted him he’d be so sick but that didn’t matter to me. it’s not fair he was so happy and silly and just died out of nowhere. and I feel even worse that he likely would’ve died no matter what we did and I probably made him uncomfortable by sweeping his mouth so deep but how would we have known? I’m torn between feeling like I did everything I could’ve known to help him and feeling like I made his last moments more uncomfortable for no reason.

I grew up with dogs but they always had to be put down for health reasons, I’ve never had a pet just have a random health event and die. we still have our other cat and she didn’t always get along with him but she seems to be isolating a bit more and it breaks my heart because the cat who passed was my partners soul cat, so the cat we have left not wanting to spend any time with him is breaking my heart.

Maybe I just need to vent so thank you for being a space for that. if anyone has any advice, or just kind words, i’d appreciate that too.