I don’t want to be a mom anymore

I’ve tried multiple times to seek help from family because I’ve been in a very very depressed and dark state for the longest. My partner (28M) has been a complete jerk as I’ve tried talking to him about my feelings many times, all he does is take everything I say, and turn into “ well you always do this and you never do this “ instead of validating my feelings and trying to figure out a solution.

My kids (6Y and 1Y) are very loving and lovable children, my oldest has the most kindest heart you would ever come across (I’m literally dropping tears as I write this) but he’s also getting to the age where he’s starting to talk back, not understand when it’s time to for bed, refusing to listen when I say tv off and tablet off. My youngest is also a handful, he refuses to eat majority of the team and I try every day to find new foods including doctors suggestions that he may like but it’s still difficult. On top of that he’s a cry baby and when I say cry baby, I don’t mean crying when he doesn’t get his way. I mean literally crying and screaming all day which gives me complete anxiety because I feel like my neighbors think I’m hurting him or something.

I’m constantly under pressure and I have no support on my end, I’ve expressed how I want to work but my partner doesn’t want to cooperate with finding a day care or anything for our youngest. He tells me to just stay where I’m at and finish doing school but I don’t want to just do school, I want to work too. In the middle of all of this i’m completely losing my mind and honestly don’t know who I am anymore. I never have time to be alone to just get myself together because I’m constantly with my kids every day and they follow me around the house.

I can’t shower without my 1 year old crying, I can’t even get up to go eat because he thinks I’m leaving. My youngest is like extremely attached to me and it makes my life so difficult because he never even leaves my side to experience anyone outside of me. I’ve gotten to the point where I’m starting to get angry and just yell And I feel like I’m just always mad now. I’ve taken this out on my kids by yelling at them a few times already and I feel like a shitty mother, I feel like my kids don’t deserve this, they deserve to be in a loving environment and I’m failing at doing so, honestly though I don’t blame anyone but myself. I just wish I had more support. I don’t see it happening anytime soon, I just don’t feel human anymore, I really wish my life was different.