i’m thinking of ending things

i feel like the world is against me. i feel like every time i think im happy something horrible has to happen every time and something horrible does happen every time to the point where i just expect it now, oh when is the next horrible thing going to happen to me. i feel like there’s a hole in my chest. i don’t deserve this , it feels like im getting the punishment of a lifetime but for what? what did i do that was so bad that the world keeps doing this to me. it feels like im not allowed to be happy. i am full of love and i know i am not a bad person why do i feel like im the worst person in the world and that im not deserving of anything good in life why do i always ruin everything i want to keep in my life everytime something makes me happy i always ruin it but its so unfair because i can’t control my ocd, my heart physically hurts so bad it hurts everyday it’s hard to breathe i can’t sleep i dont have an appetite im so tired of this shit it controls me and its ruined everything idk im trying the bestest i can to overcome any obstacles but its gotten to a point where i feel it’s pointless im suffering way too much right now it’s just so unfair and cruel and i dont want to try anymore i keep getting punished by the world even though im trying my hardest im at a loss i feel defeated im too mentally exhausted to keep typing , all i wanted was to be normal and have a normal life and i can’t even have that and its so late and i have work tomorrow and i need to go to bed but when im anxious i can’t sleep at all so now im just idk