A Practical Guide for how to Recover from Narcissistic Abuse
This is long but worthwhile to read- copy and paste it or bookmark it. Come back to it often through your process. It works. I will get into more detail about several of these points that need more unpacking, but for now this should keep you busy.
- Get out and stay out.
This is often the stumbling block and the key to saving your own life and beginning anew. There is no way to recover from the insidious long-term effects of narcissistic abuse if you allow the abuse to continue and the narcissistic person to remain in your life. It would be like being in recovery from alcoholism while going to the bar and having a whiskey every night. Not so much.
Anyone who understands this situation well says the same thing: get out and stay out, period. No contact, block them, and physically/digitally remove yourself from their presence. It will feel like death once the novelty wears off, your resilience will be tested, but if you stay disciplined on this point there will always be a way forward to a better life.
2. Get help.
True narcissistic abuse is a life and death situation, or else its something else. The emotional and spiritual wounding that occurs can be so deep that it leaves you completely unable to function, in complete despair, and operating on low sleep, poor nutrition, and a totally jacked nervous system. This is not a good place to trust yourself or make sound, reasonable decisions. It is essential that you reach out and find yourself both professional and personal support. Find a therapist or coach who specializes in narcissistic abuse/cluster B relationships and has a proven track record of success. Reach out to your closest, trusted friends and family, if you have any, and unburden yourself by asking them to spend time with you and just listen. Do not isolate, do not pretend you are okay, you’re not.
3. Prioritize your nervous system for now.
There will be time for deep therapy, analysis, self-education, and your plan for the future soon enough. But in the first 2-3 months after leaving the relationship, you are going to feel like you’ve just jumped off a rollercoaster from hell. CPTSD effects are very common, including emotional flashbacks that can throw you into a state of unsafe catastrophe if you aren’t prepared for how to deal with them. You need a protocol for your autonomic nervous system that will at least keep you reasonably stable and safe so you don’t deteriorate or do anything stupid. You are most likely to collapse your boundaries, to allow your abuser back into your life or even reach out to them when you are in a compromised emotional trauma state. I will detail a great nervous system protocol in a future post.
4. Keep living and working and interacting with life, to some degree.
You won’t be yourself right now and it’s okay to withdraw a bit while you process your grief and try to keep it together. But allowing your finances to dwindle because you aren’t working, your health to deteriorate because you aren’t sleeping and eating and exercising, your friendships to wither because you aren’t calling people back - all of these will make things 1000x worse. It’s also very helpful to distract yourself with healthy activities like meaningful work, exercise, dinner with friends, long walks outdoors, music, art, hobbies, traveling, etc. This also builds resilience and helps you keep perspective that life can go on and this is not the apocalypse even though it feels like it.
5. Educate yourself about codependency, the human magnet syndrome, and pathological narcissism.
Knowledge will set you free. This is not your ‘fault’ but it did not happen on accident. Unfortunately, you unconsciously put yourself in the path of a human wrecking ball (unless it was a parent, in which case it was out of your control as a child). You didn’t know, so forgive yourself…but you will begin saving your own life and make sure this never happens again if you start understanding WHY AND HOW THIS HAPPENED to you. Understanding the codependent/narcissist dynamic and why you are vulnerable to covert manipulation tactics will debug your faulty programming and bring you back to reality. The roots of this are very deep, probably childhood (actually, always childhood) so you will begin ‘peeling the onion’ at this point. Don’t go too fast or try to understand everything over night. Go slowly, be gentle with yourself, let things sink in.
6. Learn how to grieve like an adult.
No, most adults in our society do not know how to grieve. Instead we bypass, distract, avoid, anesthetize, or sink into toxic depression. Instead, learn emotional literacy- find the color wheel of emotions and start understanding the nuance and subtlety of what you are actually feeling. Start journaling and processing your heartbreak, your sadness, your rejection, abandonment, feeling used, disregarded, disrespected, conned, manipulated, cynically exploited, angry, furious, yeah it’s no one’s idea of a party but it’s so important to own and feel your feelings fully at this point. Grieve, cry, despair, scream, ahhhhh- that feels better.
7. Wake up! Get angry! Start starting over!
This is a great part of the process even though you may feel like the anger will consume you. You are no longer sleepwalking and you will wake up out of the haze and realize how people have been using you for your over-giving, over-supportive, over-understanding, over-forgiving, over-agreeable, over-selfless nature for most of your life. Ouch! It’s okay, this is where you start feeling something strange growing from your butt up to your neck- oh, look at that- a backbone! Set and enforce solid boundaries, enforce consequences on anyone who violates them, start loving and caring about yourself, treat yourself with respect, dignity, and protection. Damn that feels good.
8. Accept. accept, accept.
It gets worse before it gets better, but that’s okay, it means you’re doing it right, you’re doing it for real. That anger from #7 is going to start fucking with you very badly and the remorse, rage, and desire for revenge is going to grow. Actually, this is a very healthy instinct and essential for healing your codependency. The problem is that we aren’t actually going to become toxic, vengeful, unstable people- that’s what THEY do, not us. We can feel these feelings and validate them while asserting responsible, ethical leadership over our own actions. As hard as it will be to not sink to their level, we are going with the foolproof way to victory in the long-term- taking the high road instead of satisfying our wounded child and our dejected ego with the short-term satisfaction of letting them have it. I know it’s a cliche but it’s true: the best revenge is going on to live a great life while becoming indifferent toward your past. Nothing drives a narcissist more crazy than knowing they can’t get to you anymore and even if they did, it would have ZERO effect. This is who you will become by accepting what happened and understanding you can’t change it but you can learn and move forward.
Don’t get into conversations with your abuser or try to make a point. Don’t cast pearls before swine. Resist the desire to ’expose them’ or publicly humiliate them. Unplug from the narcissistic matrix- it is an illusion that is way too small for who you are becoming. This person was a mirage, a fraud, and an illusion. There is no one there to reconcile with, I promise. Let it go and move forward. Stop talking about this person unless it’s with your coach or therapist. Start feeling the new you being born. (this will take time and will not be linear, it’s okay just do your best)
9. Do the work- unwind your story, peel the onion, meet your parts, know thyself so you can heal.
So far it has all been recovery. But now the healing begins. You are ready to dive into the mystery and retrace your whole life to understand how you got here and where you’re going. You will see that this was always going to happen to you as part of your unique journey to selfhood and spiritual awakening. This was your initiation, your little death, so that you can have true life. You are not entirely innocent and it will be time to face your shadow and integrate it. Own all parts of yourself and rehabilitate them with love, compassion, discipline, and radical self-honesty. You are becoming codependent no more! Take responsibility for your role in what has happened and take agency over your life and choices. Freedom becomes real when you know how to own it and use it properly instead of willingly becoming someone’s slave in order to feel whole. Ouch. I know. But all of that is over now.
Internal family systems, transactional analysis, self-love deficit disorder/human magnet syndrome. All of these areas of investigation will be very relevant and helpful for you. Look into them, work with pros who can hold up a lantern to light your way.
10. Formulate a moral philosophy and a code of living.
What is good? What is evil? What is life for? How should one live? What are your values, say your top five values? What does it mean to be a friend? What is real love? What does a reciprocal, respectful, loving relationship look like to you? What qualities do you want in a partner? What qualities do you want to embody in yourself? Get out a notebook and start writing, everyday. Get crystal clear on your values and make a sacred bond with yourself to never sell them out for ‘love’ or sex or acceptance or validation or external attraction again. Now you will live by your own code. Stay on your path and honor it from this day forward.
11. Start understanding what it is that you DO want in this life?
You know by now what you don’t want! So it’s time to start leaving that behind and change your focus to the present and moving forward with a plan. So..what do you actually want? Name the top five things you want for your life, try to be specific and visualize/conceptualize how they feel as part of your identity. When you actually know what you want that gives you meaning and purpose and clarity of objective, it changes your entire mode of being. No more experimenting in circles, no more horror-show relationships with terrible human beings who seem great at first, no more one-way friendships with selfish opportunists, no more mentally ill exploiters in your inner circle. Now you focus on what you want and who you are becoming. You continue to let life unfold but now you hold your own steering wheel instead of giving away the keys. You have gained an internal locus of control.
Final Thoughts:
Disclaimer: You are going to probably think about ‘the narcissist’ everyday for a few years. The emotional loading around this person is going to dissipate over time, especially as you do the work above. But unfortunately it will take awhile. I’m telling you the truth so your expectations are clear. Accept it so you don’t resist or think something is wrong with you. Everyone does this, even if they lie and say they don’t. The key will be to reduce the emotional loading around this person by moving your energy and focus AWAY from them, shifting it completely toward YOURSELF and your life from here on. That is how you move the needle.
Emotional abuse over a longer period is very insidious and will occupy the sympathetic nervous system for awhile. The 4 F’s response will live in you but you will learn to see it coming and know how to deal with it. You’ve been abused and victimized by someone who is not very interesting or compelling or worthwhile, even though you may be obsessed with them for a while. You are not a victim, that will not be your identity, but something bad did happen and it will mark your life in its own way. Over the years, it will become smaller and you will emerge victorious and almost, almost be thankful for the way it forced you to wake up to yourself, grow in every way, and become the version of yourself you’ve always wanted to be but didn’t understand. You are not crazy, this is how it feels for everyone who goes through it. You are having a universal human experience. Hang in there, be good to yourself, it gets better, IF you resolve yourself to do the work and take responsibility for your healing.
Sending you love and my prayers. if you’ve read this far I know how you feel right now and you have my solidarity. I’ve overcome this mountain and feel grateful to be able to help others. Godspeed!
Recommended reading for self-education:
In Sheep's Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People- George Simon
The Tao of Feeling Fully- Pete Walker
No Bad Parts- Richard Schwartz
Codependent No More- Melodie Beattie
The Human Magnet Syndrome- Ross Rosenberg
Narcissism to Rebirth / How to Kill a Narcissist / How to Bury a Narcissist- JH Simon
Games People Play- Eric Berne
The Courage to Be Disliked- Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga