Coming to terms with the idea that I'm probably one of you

Part of me feels like a horrible piece of shit and wants to die more than ever. The other part is thinking there's nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about, because I really better than all these dumbasses in my life. I'm ping ponging back and forth between these two positions with a few more in between. I'm not diagnosed and tbh I probably won't get tested. The idea of other people who know me (including my therapist) seeing me as a narcissist fills me with dread. If I were to be diagnosed I'd definitely kill myself, I have constant ideation and very graphic fantasies of how I'll do it, but have never attempted for a few reasons. This might push me over the edge.