Falling out of love with my husband.

TW: emotional and physical abuse. I would never allow a friend or a loved one to tolerate any of this. This is my own personal journey and believe me it’s messed up and I absolutely hate myself for not being stronger. In no way do I condone any of this.

No offence but can men please stop trying to private chat me I won’t be responding regardless if your intentions are good. I’m happy to respond in the comments, thanks.

My husband and I (early 30s,married 7 yrs) had a rough start to our marriage. It was arranged (not forced) I picked him against my family judgment ( they didn’t like that he was quiet) but I got to know him and found his shy nature charming. My in laws ended up being toxic and I realised just like my family said, his quiet nature meant he struggled to stand up for himself or me.

I like to resolve arguments and he has the habit of giving the silence treatment. Back then it would last days. When I’d hug him to make up he started to push me off quite roughly, twist my arm or even grab my neck. I didn’t understand it. I told myself maybe it was my fault for trying to push him into making up so from then on i stopped trying to hug or try to make up with him using affection and let him come around in his own time.

We moved out and nothing like that happened again for years although we’d argue over his overly involved parents a lot. Our issues with his parents lasted so many years we didn’t have time to focus on our own. Wed moved out but they’d ring him every day and give him abuse for being a horrible son for moving out,they’d monitor every time I left the house through people they knew who lived near us and would again blow up my husbands phone telling him I was out (my husband always knew where I was) they left letters through our door when they knew I was out telling me they’d come to see the kids and why wasn’t I home. My husband ignored it all so all his family directed their anger at me. They made me the villain. The day I had my first child they all turned up at my door.

The start of this year we bought our house and our relationship is the best it’s ever been. Communicating is tough because he’s not a big talker and hates small talk. I’m a sahm with kids and he’s great with them. He does the morning nursery run with our child before going work and helps out with baths and nappies. I appreciate it all. I really do it’s been a long process of undoing the brainwashing of the men in his family shaming him for basically being a hands on dad.

When I was pregnant with our first I found old love letters from his ex. He told me I was his first. One of them was a goodbye letter from her dated around the time we got engaged. I think he knew his parents would never accept her (she was white) so he went the arranged marriage route. He denied it all until I showed the letters. He begged me to never tell anyone and I didn’t. But sometimes I compare myself to the man she described in those letters. He wasn’t shy to hold her hand in public like he is mine, he told me he hated walking on the beach but he went with her. It’s been 4 years since I found that letter and I do think he loves me since but I wonder would he be happier and kinder if he married her? Maybe he allowed his family to mistreat me because he resented me and wanted her. I’ve never said any of this out loud ever.

I was so proud of how far we came. We started working better as a team, our communication started to improve, he stated initiating going out more (I stopped asking a while back) but recently over the smallest arguments he just goes from 1 to 100. If a comment I make pisses him off he’ll suddenly start Cussing me out. Calling me a bitxh. Telling me to go die. I’ve said to him it’s hurtful and that there’s no need to go to that extreme. A few times he’s approached me and grabbed my arm, pushed me in anger and even slapped me recently but played it off. That whole day I felt so unsettled he never approached me to get physical with me in the past.

He’s so shy and quiet with everyone else in his life, he’s been emotionally abused all his life from family and taken advantage of. They made him take loans out before he married me so he wouldn’t financially be able to move out but alhamdulilah what’s meant to be is meant to be. They mocked us saying we’d never get a house, I’d never be able to run a house alone. Alhamdulilah again i proved then wrong. I went through so much to get to this point, maybe that’s why the thought of leaving seems so hard. I tried to encourage him to express his feelings, encouraged him to open up to me, tried to be a good wife he can rely on. But he just struggles to communicate his feelings. I don’t understand why I’m the only one he treats this way. I didn’t marry him for looks or money but because I thought he had a good heart. I’ve sacrificed so much of myself for him he doesn’t even know the half of it. Our intimacy isn’t great these days but I don’t even crave it these days and he doesn’t communicate what he wants either. I want more than anything to make our marriage work. I’ve noticed that if his family is visiting it we’re visiting them suddenly he no longer looses his temper and he’s in a good mood. As soon as the events done he goes goes back to normal. He did this a lot throughout our marriage. I’ve asked him to go to therapy with me but he refuses.

I grew up in a very traditional household I didn’t even talk to guys. I refused to give my number after our engagement because I wanted to keep it halal but now I wonder maybe I should have tried harder to know the real him. He was the first person I gave my trust and heart to and I feel like he’s done everything I was Afraid of when thinking of marrying. I don’t know if I love him because I don’t know what love is. I know I would miss him terribly if we ever separated. I know if I left his parents would try to make my life miserable, and our kids adore him. I want more than anything to make this work and give our children stability. I just wish he was kinder to me. Even if I make some effort when we go out (we don’t go out often so I like to) means putting a dress on and a little makeup. (Always dressed modestly) he’ll get annoyed and say why am I dressing up. He never compliments me even though I had so many people tell me (including his own sister) that I’m too good for him (looks wise) I always tell them he’s perfect to me. I miss being my old confident self.

Idk if there is a correlation but I grew up with a very chill father who was basically good cop and my strict mother the bad cop. Had a very controlling and protective brother and was a big daddy’s girl. My father was also quiet and reserved by nature. We grew up knowing they didn’t like each other and stayed for us which my mother liked to remind us of. Which I was selfishly thankful for. He never laid a hand on her he was an amazing father, just not a very loving husband. Also struggles to express himself emotionally.