The pain of divorce

As salam aleykum wa rahmatullah wa barakatuh,

I'm (29F) currently going through a divorce. My ex husband was abusive so I had no choice than to leave. Despite that, the pain is overwhelming. It's very difficult.

I know you're probably thinking I'm stupid for feeling sad because it was an abusive relationship. But the reality is, it’s not abusive 24/7. This man was writing me love letters, cooking for me, making me feel special. I had never felt so loved before. And that’s what makes it so confusing, because the same person who made me feel cherished also made me feel broken. He was my safe place but unsafe at the same time.

Before meeting him, I was always cautious with men. I didn’t want to waste my time and energy on haram relationships. So when I met him, I let my guard down. I loved him deeply and wanted to build a family with him, and now none of that is going to happen. I am single again.

The only thing I wanted was to have a family with a muslim man. I wasn't asking for much. That's all I wanted.

I've had heartbreaks before marriage while I was trying to do things the halal way. I've met my husband and did the halal thing but my heart is broken again. I don't want to get involved in relationships anymore. I always end up sad and miserable. I'm really exhausted.

I really really wish I wasn’t hyper sensitive but I love way too much. I'm not made for relationships. I'm too weak.

Please make duaa for me.