When did you start feeling like a girl?

I’m definitely in the “if you want to be a girl, be a girl” camp: felt generally ok growing up as a boy, became vaguely aware of trans people as a teen but didn’t occur to me I might be one (largely bc of the “born in the wrong body” trope), and after a lot of soul searching and learning to identify existential malaise as dysphoria did I began to realize I was trans. I’m 40 now, started transitioning at 35.

Anyway—I still wonder if I will hit a point when I “feel like a girl.” In my dreams sometimes I’m a girl, but most of the time I’m just a person. In my waking life, I get mad jealous of cis women all the time (esp dykey soft butch types), and wish I could be like them, but given where I am at (a tall, gender ambiguous person with a bit of a giveaway voice), it’s hard to really feel internally like a woman.

I know I’m not a guy (or at least hated being a guy), and they/them pronouns still feel better to me than she/her. In other words, I am probably nonbinary but kinda wish I just felt like a trans woman—it would certainly make the paperwork easier and probably lead to less misgendering. But even 5 years in, that still feels fake. I’m currently in the process of changing my name legally to my chosen name (on the femme side), and legal gender to F, but the imposter syndrome remains. I’m in the US and if Trump had lost the election I might have considered going for an X marker but it just seems potentially dangerous.

I’m waiting for some flip to switch and then I finally will feel woman-ish enough to really embrace more femme clothes, makeup, higher pitched voice. But at present, it still feels kinda off.

Does anyone relate?