My Family Is Considering Disowning Me Because I Chose to Take My Wife's Last Name

So my predicament is pretty much summed up in the title.

My wife (30f) and I (34f) recently got married. Due to the sheer expense/stress of weddings we decided to do a simple, just the two of us, marriage at the courthouse with the expectation to throw a party in lieu of a formal reception in October 2024.

Everyone was on board; my family, her family, friends, etc. Everyone seemed happy for us and we came away from the whole thing happily married and stress free.

This all changed when my parents found out I was taking her last name.

The evening of our wedding, we were hanging out with some friends and I got a text from my dad asking about how the courthouse went. I didn't see it until about midnight so I waited until the next morning to call as it was late and my dad is 72; the man loves his sleep.

While I recognize that I was in the wrong for not calling right away, we got swept up in the afters with our friends. It wasn't at all intentional, it just kind of happened. We didn't talk to my wife's parents right away either.

I called my dad the next morning to follow up and he started out the conversation very kindly; asking how things went, congratulating us, etc. Then asked the question "So is (wife's name) a (my maiden name) now?" When I responded that I was intending on taking her name (I had changed it on my facebook after the wedding as a wink and a nod to our marriage that day) I realized I was on speakerphone and heard my mother screaming about how she no longer considered me a part of their family, that they were done with me and my wife, and to expect "a day to come where we had to discuss a few things (apparently this meant a life insurance policy they have for me, my place (or I assume lack thereof now) in the will, etc)."

I try to calm things down and ask my dad why and he tells me he can't believe I'm "taking off our last name like an old pair of socks" knowing I'm the last child in the family with his last name and that if I change mine the "name dies with him." ( I do have a sister but she's straight as the day is long so once she's married, her name will probably change as well.) It also was revealed that my mother had been snooping on Facebook (she is blocked from my page for reasons we'll get into later) and somehow saw my profile with the new name. They knew my intentions before we even spoke, and decided to ambush me about it.

They then go on to say how my wife's family "hasn't done much" in supporting the two of us referring to monetary gifts they'd given over the years as examples and they cant believe I'd just spit in their faces and take her name. My dad also pointed out that I've taken on more of the "masculine" role in the relationship and that that alone made it only natural that she take my name.

They berated me for a solid 40 minutes about how they've always been expected to "swallow" whatever I dish out (see below for details on that) and also went on a tirade about they "don't even know these people" regarding my wife's family. Mind you, they have been invited to every single family function thrown on her side; birthday parties, holiday parties, cookouts, etc. They just never showed up. Something always came up last minute. On the flip side, they've never invited any of her family to any functions, it's been entirely one sided.

Now, a couple of side notes:

- My wife hasn't spoken to my parents in over three months at this point. She tried to stand up for me in a conflict my mother and I were having and ended up getting screamed at and berated to the point of tears, I told my ma that that was not going to fly with me and she told me never to speak to her again. That was in August, we were no contact until Christmas. My mom has a narcissism problem, and she'd talked to me that way my entire life, I refuse to have her make someone else feel the way she made me.

- I am a trans woman. Regardless of the fact that my dad has never gotten my name or pronouns right over the several years since I transitioned - him tossing around my being the more "masculine" one in the relationship was gross. He knows it was gross. And this is just another indication that he doesn't understand/recognize/respect my transition. I am and always will be just a man to him. (This was the other thing I expected them to "swallow" by the way, my being trans. They graciously decided to not disown me, so - I should be grateful.)

- In regard to my trans identity and names: When I transitioned, my parents were very concerned about my changing my name as my birth name had family significance. Knowing this, I asked my parents to re-name me and took a name they'd picked out for me had I been born female. For my middle name, I combined my birth first and middle names to respect the familial significance. For me, the option to take someone else's name in marriage was incredibly affirming as it went against the traditional masculine vs feminine roles that were sort of forced onto me from birth. It, for the first time, made me not feel like I was "just the man in the relationship."

- I didn't realize the financial gifts were transactional, which I probably should have as growing up with a narcissistic parent meant nothing came for free. Gifts, affection, support - everything was always a bargaining chip.

- On top of all of this - my wife simply didn't want to take my name, so I took hers. Ignoring all of the above, it's as simple as that.

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So here we are - I haven't spoken to my parents since this conversation. My dad said he "had a lot to think about" and my mom has "washed her hands of me." While I do feel bad for hurting my dad (I'm not a monster), my opinions on the matter haven't changed. I love my parents, I love my family, I'm not trying to strip myself away from my former identity. I am however trying to build something new for myself and my wife. This entire debacle has honestly ruined what was originally the happiest day of my life and my wife is beside herself as she feels as though my parents hate her.

I'm unsure if whether I care too much. And maybe this cutting ties is for the best. But of course I need strangers on the internet to weigh in before I make any final decisions. At the end of the day, I just want the "married bliss" back.

So what say you, people of Reddit?