Rant about seeing things that are ☝not☝ there🤓🤚(sensitive topics ahead)

Yeah so I'm going fucking nuts, hear me out.(or don't, give me lobotomy ASAP.)

For idk how long now i started seeing things that are not there. (Along with other stupid ass experiences that are not focused now on by me thx). I KNOW THEY ARE NOT REAL. But at the same time I don't have the "REAL/NOT REAL" switch in my brain. My brain and me doesn't care. They just exist with me. The funniest part is when the shit starts going down.

I spent OVER A FUCKING HOUR hitting myself whenever I saw something and it was seeing stuff not even a second away from eachother. So fucking yeah,at least managed to not mutilate myself. But it was alot of hitting and biting myself. Idk,some kind of shadow people, twisted faces and limbs outta nowhere.

And now,calmer since there are people with me in the room (my family,I'm not locked up.) I can't help but think - whenever spoken of "hallucinations" (in those marks cus calling it like that fills me with unknown rage 🧡) people always say about hearing voices,rarely about visual stuff.

And the problem is- when you don't hear fucking voices then you cannot get help for shit. I swear to fucking God. You're not taken seriously. I do not hear voices,nor any unusual stuff. Okay i used to hear sounds that are not there,footsteps,fucking washing machine working when it wasn't,phone ringing outside in the middle of the night and being convinced I need to pick him up but I spent this time laughing to myself wondering who the fuck leaves his phone in the middle of the night outside. But these are not "voices" so nobody cares. I just see things and NOBODY fucking believes me. Psychiatrists PISS on my struggles even when I tell them other stuff happening along with it and they say that i am too aware.

BUT YOU DONT HAVE TO BE A FUCKING CHAMPION TO RECOGNISE A MONSTER FROM OTHER HUMAN. I KNOW IT SHOULDN'T BE HERE I WASNT BORN SLOW RACHEL. Even when i didn't recognised them and sh'd because I was convinced that they want me to do it. Because well a creature choking you in the shower or your own "HALLUCINATIONS" assaulting you in the middle of the night is just an usual Friday for other bread eaters yeah!?

To think that they refused to rule out even something as obvious (IM NOT SAYING I HAVE IT. IM NOT SAYING I HAVE IT. IM NOT AN ATTENTION PITY SEEKING WHORE. IM NOT SAYING I HAVE IT. I DONT HAVE IT. IM NOT SELF DIAGNOSING. IM NOT SAYING I HAVE IT) as a fucking schizophrenia (I DONT CLAIM TO HAV3 IT.) Because of talking thorough a phone with a Foster parent(?idk. It was a group home something like an orphanage but like idk. CPS took me there.) That was on their shift and didn't know shit. Didn't talk with me. Nor with my family. And I learned from this caretaker ,i remember this talk clearly as a day when she said to me "I talked with your doctor and she ruled out schizophrenia. Be happy it's a serious mental illness." She talked her through a phone. Didn't take any further assessment from me,only the things I said when I got there. But I still provided basic description of WHAT THE FUCK WAS WRONG. she pissed on it. Talked with me about my struggles?never. It was a different doctor who was on the shift when I got there.

and then I heard from the same doctor that I was an "The most Well behaved patient" And she praised my knowledge about medication I take. Bruh,if I had a praise kink I would be fucking creaming but I was only internally screaming after I went out of there.

Of course I behaved well,I WANTED TO GET OUT OF THERE and my every true feeling wrote down in my notebook.

And she lowered my meds cuz i was so well behaved and not crashing out. The same meds I got dosed up after i told my psych (outside the ward) that I am convinced that God himself sent me on a mission to kill myself. (No,I'm not a believer.)

No,I have no access to psychiatrist,therapy or anything. Nobody who cares about me cuz I'm 18. Family doesn't care,they just plan to move out on their own. I'm meant to rot here and die. Mother out of the pic and father with a maturity of a toddler at best. No ,can't make phone calls - social anxiety and trust issues.

-I don't need solutions,I need to drink bleach-