Starting IOP Monday and have mixed feelings (vent)

I ended up in the ER at like 3 AM Friday after my dumbass accidentally hit beans. I agreed to start therapy only to avoid being put on a 72 hour hold. I have to go Monday-Friday from 9-12.

I know I NEED help but I don't WANT it. As fucked up as it sounds I want to get worse. I don't feel like it's bad enough to warrant going to therapy. I don't feel like I actually have a problem. I objectively have a good life. I've never experienced anything traumatic, I've never been abused, I have a decent job and my own apartment, and I have a supportive family. I know this is extremely fucked up to say, but I honestly wish something bad would happen to me so that I at least have a valid reason to be severely depressed.