Idk why this happened for seemingly no reason

(Lil vent)

Literally been clean for so fucking long maybe almost a year I’m not sure I don’t keep track. I’ve been so happy but I’m just spiraling for literally no reason my life is seemingly perfect from the outside. I’m about to get married to someone I love, we just got a bigger place, we’re both making good money and I’m not having to overwork myself, I’m getting good grades in college, we’re literally going to fucking Disneyland in a few months. But no I’m still fucking depressed apparently, I still have tantrums and episodes. I was so mad and angry for literally no reason I was practically convulsing on the floor like a child until I ran off to the bathroom to SH. I don’t understand I’m supposed to be ok now. Why am I ruining my future wife’s life by being this way. I never take it out on her or blame her or anything but I’m just so full of this incurable anger that I feel like I’m pushing her away. She knows but she’ll never understand or be a mind reader. I don’t know what to do. I just wanted some attention or support but she’s tired bc she works and drives but I just wanted something I couldn’t communicate or even grasp myself. Why am I this way I’m supposed to be fucking happy. I’m literally living the life I always dreamed about why isn’t it good enough, why am I not good enough?

I just wish someone understood