It’s me again

I have not been on this sub in a HOT minute. I joined waaaay back in 2017 when this place had like, under 2k members. I was there when selfharmpics got banned. I saw things I wish I hadn’t. I watched so many users disappear without goodbyes. I barely posted but I used to read every fucking thing on this sub. I had no where else to go, no one who understood me like this place. I doubt any of the 70k people here remember me. Just know I remember you.

I got older, tried medication, got therapy, unpacked my shit, and urges got easier to manage. I’m counting milestones by the months. I’m over 300 days, and that’s not even my record. I shouldn’t be here. I shouldn’t be writing this.

But my sister tried to kill herself last week. And when I saw what she tried to use, all I could think about was how it wouldn’t have worked anyway. I know, I’m terrible. But I knew it wouldn’t have worked because I learned about skin layers and proper tools and how to use them. I can’t unlearn. My sister was in crisis, and I was remembering what it felt like to do that to yourself. How fucked is that? I remembered. I didn’t realize I’d ever forgotten, but now I can’t. God, I want it back.

I was going to be clean this year. Clean for the first full calendar year since it started. Now I’m not so sure. I feel better, but life still sucks. I’ve just gotten better at letting it go. I dropped out of college. I will never be able to support myself. I wouldn’t know how, anyway. I don’t have any future plans besides dying before I turn 30. What am I staying clean for? It’s all fucked in the end.

Fuck, I hope someone remembers me.