I don’t know what to do with my life.

Anyone who takes the time to read this, I appreciate you and your time for taking interest and would mean a lot to be heard.

I am 20 close to 21, I’ve been battling depression since 8th grade. It’s always been silent about it however, never once mentioned it to anyone, this is my first time trying to tell anyone I have mental health issues. I’ve always been unlucky in life I feel like, over the years I’ve been made fun of for certain things. I’ve always been chubby, I’m 5’7 and in this day and age it’s considered short. These last 2-3 years of my life have been my toughest. I’ve grown to not like being around anyone because I don’t feel like I can be myself around anyone. There’s younger family member around me who are doing much better than me and I feel like I’m always used as an example to see what doing bad is. My cousins are getting taller, have girlfriends and just more busier and interesting lives than I do and making some more money than me, I work construction so it’s tough these months and can barely pay my bills, I live by myself in my parents basement (cliche ik) and yes I play video games. I tend to not play your average games however, I play story games because it makes me feel like I have friends and something good going on, I know they’re fictional but in the moment I feel like I can connect to them and don’t feel so lonely, of course I am also made fun of because of my hobby. I’m always frowned upon in my family. I am genuinely a lively person and I feel like I could be much happier because I see all the great things life can be but I haven’t been fortunate enough to experience it. I genuinely don’t know if I ever will. And that’s also my suicidal thoughts come to me. What hurts me is that I’ve been having thought of doing it for the past 4 years but I know I’m too scared to do it, I can’t fathom doing it in any way. I’m genuinely scared. But I also don’t feel like i belong here. I don’t fit in anywhere, I forced to be around people I don’t like. It’s very saddening. I feel lonely and I don’t know what to do anymore. I hurts to think of suicide knowing I can’t bring myself to it. I cry sometimes at night or after work I go in my room and think how pathetic I am. What should I do anymore ? I don’t want to hurt my family even though I know they’re not proud of me or anything. Any advice would be kind or any words just some acknowledgment would mean the world to me because I can’t talk to anyone it will be used against me. Help please