Usual weekend rant.

I ate like three cows in last 3 days (nothing healthy). I did not workout. I watched 4 season of the office, While sleeping all day. Yes i spiralled. And spiralled bad. A friend who visiting from Bangalore took me parting on saturday night. We danced and drank. I don’t usually drink except when he visits neither i go to these parties. Honestly i don’t enjoy these parties. I do not know why i go there. Well he had a lot of fun, made out with a few guys. While i acted to dance and sat at a corner. Came home in morning and somehow he persuaded me to got to another party on the Sunday night. This party did not last till morning. It ended at 2am. He made a few friends while i could hardly talk to anyone. We thought we would have tea and then head back home. Well earlier in evening i told him, ‘after party i will go for a hookup with someone from Grindr or from party(joking-ly) cause, can’t go home at that time or to my pg.. both of which are in Delhi. We were in Rajiv chowk delhi. Which is near to my parents house which is in Karol Bagh. He was getting scared of the dark so i agreed with him to go to home. He called a Rapido. So did i. But didn’t go home i sat on the metro station all night and in morning took the metro to my pg. I could have gone for a hookup and saved my self from cold, dark and loneliness. Or i could have gone home and make something up. But I could not.

I have ranted on this community before when my situationship was fucking with my mental health last year. From a different account. I have grown since then, i have healed a little or started addressing my wounds. It’s been a month i have started working out seriously and watching my diet started some supplements also. I do hookup with random people from Grindr. Sometimes. I had this FWB deal with someone, it’s been 1 month i had no sex. The idea with sex with a stranger now disgusts me. I do get horny install grinder which i regret 5 mins later and uninstall. I want to lean in into someone for a life time. I am not a party gay. I am someone who would make a beautiful home and host beautiful dinner parties for my friends and family. With my partner and pets. Guess i should not do anything that takes me away from this path.

I know monogamy is almost not existent in this community. And most gays got their heart broken and now bitter. But I’m still optimistic. I’m 25. And in all counting my body count is about 40. I used to be ashamed of it. Also I’m Positive and Non-Detective. I forgive myself, I didn’t knew better. I have accepted my self and i ll take care of my self. I don’t wear my sexuality as my identity nor am I ashamed. And i will definitely build the life I desire and deserve.

Am i too delusional ? 😅