Anyone else experience chronic anger and resentment at EVERYTHING and EVERYONE?

Hey everyone, I have had a pretty confusing relationship with anger growing up. In my household, my dad (the MAN) was the head of the household. There was a very much 70’s “American Dream” perspective in my house. He went to work, sometimes hundreds of hours a week, and my mom ran errands for hours in town.

I was basically raised by other people and institutions. I was a sick baby and while my mom went out for the day, my nurse watched me. I went to Montessori, and soon after that into kindergarten.

Anyway, here’s a little background: the expectations in my house were near to impossible. No hats at the table, no improper mannerisms, and no leaving the table until finishing ALL the food, or I would get screamed at. And we HAD to pray before every meal and shut our eyes.

If I made a mistake or said something that my dad didn’t like, he would quickly over power me, ask me what I said, and tell me “if you say that again I’m going to spank your ass.” I was never able to express how I actually felt. There wasn’t room for my emotions, and he couldn’t even control his. He had intermittent explosive disorder.

When I was upset he sent me to my room, often forgetting me for hours as I sat on my little Elmo bean bag chair. I was about 4-6. One time we were having a party and I did something he didn’t like. He sent me to my room and forgot about me for 3 hours. I came out and everyone had already left. I was devastated but didn’t show it. I liked people, and I liked to be social and garner attention from adults (like any child)

Anyway, fast forward 2 years and my dad has died from a stress induced heart attack. Every system of structure quickly dissolved. I understand my mom tried her best, but I was not taught things like “NO” or self responsibility. I wasn’t taught how to cope with my emotions, and I never got therapy after his death. I have these recurrent dreams where my mom wakes me up in the middle of the night, brings me to the garage, and shows me my dads body cut up into 7 or 8 pieces in the freezer.

I had experiences where he would aim guns at me and my mom/sister. I would get in front of them. He took my mom to the garage once and shot at her. I heard it all and remember me and my sister crying, screaming “Daddy don’t please.”

In dream analysis, I think this is signaling to me that I need to let the resentment and anger I have towards my dad, the pieces of my self go. But I can’t. I am angry at everyone. I’m angry at myself and I often hate myself, and contemplate suicide. I don’t know WHY I’m so mean to myself, but I am. Nothing is ever good enough for me, just like in childhood. I was never enough.

I don’t know how to release this anger, which morphs into DEBILITATING perfectionism, addictions to self help, addictions, dissociation, CPTSD, and more.

I would like a Jungian perspective on both my dream and the archetype that closely relates to the experiences I’ve had. Thanks so much I’ve you’ve read this far.