I am confused

I feel super gay for some reason I feel like I accepted it I don’t get hard with gay thoughts but still it’s fucking weird it’s like I accepted being gay I see videos and I am like nice dude or I try to think about women and I can’t its like I don’t have memories of women enymore I don’t know what I am anymore I feel attracted on a romantic way too and it’s fucked I was better earlier I accepted the thoughts and I was better and now I think Why did I accept them?am I gay? And when I say I am gay I don’t feel anything bad or good but I feel good when I say I am straight like wtf is going on with me I see men on the road and I look at their dicks it this ever going to stop I want to find a girl and have a normal life I don’t want to be gay and the problem is I don’t find it bad to be gay now it’s like I was in denial all this time and now I accepted it I am going crazy I am gonna shoot my self this shit is crazy