Did I scare her away?

Hey guys,

I'd like some input from the FA folks in this community.

Background: My FA ex (I use the term ex loosely because we were never established that we were in an all in committed relationship, but just that we were exclusive) and I have a tumultuous history. She first broke up with me saying that she sees herself taking two years to commit, and I wasn't ok with that, and so she broke up with me. About 2-3 weeks later she asked if can try to move at a pace that worked for both of us. This failed, she didn't show up in the way that she said she would try to, and she broke up again. But me being anxious, fought to keep us alive, and within hours we were back together, and then finally, two months later, her life went completely down the drain, one tragic event after another, and she pushed me away and broke up with me. I accepted it. I went no contact. She messaged me a couple of weeks later apologising, but the door was still closed. She continued to message me every 1.5 months or so, but I held firm and requested her to respect my boundaries because I was trying to move on, but ultimately I had to take a more harsh stance and tell her to stop reaching out to me because she was disturbing my peace and that I really didn't want to block her, and so she should leave me alone.

Present day: About 1.5 months after she last reached out, she sent me a 10 slide powerpoint presentation about how she didn't mean to hurt me and about how she wants us to give things a genuine try. I entertained it. She told me how she was at a low point in her life and that she has been regular at therapy and drawing boundaries and has moved towards a healthier lifestyle and that the reason she broke up earlier was because when life gets hard she pushes everyone away as a sort of self destructive mechanism. She had also admitted that she has low self esteem and so she thought to break up with me before I "eventually" broke up with her. She said that the feelings of missing me were too intense and that she finally felt like she was in a healthy space to reach out to me to give a genuine shot, and so we began talking. A month in, we decided to be exclusive. We did have some arguments, but things were going well towards the end, till she broke up with me again 1.5 months in. Before our most recent breakup, her dad was really unwell and she was super stressed, barely sleeping and barely eating. After about 5 days of minimal interaction with her, I told her that I missed her and she told me that she missed me too, and we spoke on the phone that evening. Here's where things went downhill. She confessed to me that she was feeling distant from me, and that one night, as she couldn't sleep and was very stressed, she just wanted someone to talk to, and so she downloaded Bumble, and chatted with a guy for a little bit about random topics like music, but then realised that what she was doing was wrong, and then deleted the app. This upset me, and I was harsh in my tone towards her, because her breaking up with me several times before had hurt me a lot and broken my trust. This time she really showed up but she did this, and I spoke angrily to her because I felt like she had broken that trust again that I was trying hard to rebuild. The next day, she said that she doesn't have the ability to make this work, she really really wanted to, she really thought she had gotten past her commitment issues, but she hasn't, and she doesn't want to cause more hurt, and she ended things. Just like that.

My question for this sub: Now, I'm hurting once again. But I feel very strongly for her. I feel like she didn't really want to break up with me, because why would someone take the risk of reaching out to me to rekindle the relationship, show me A LOT of affection (which felt genuine) and then just break things off like that? Sometimes I find myself angry at the fact that she has hurt me again, sometimes very sad, but sometimes I also wonder whether I should have gone easy on her because she admitted to doing something wrong and stopped herself from going further. Maybe it's my slightly delusional anxious brain, but I don't know. Is what she did something that is forgivable? We may never talk again, but this question troubles me. Was I too harsh on her? Should I have gone easy on her for because she at least admitted what she did? I want to reach out to her to have a real conversation but I don't know if that's a healthy thing to do.