Vent post

I've been very low contact with my dad since 2019. I've been in therapy for 4 years and have a supportive husband. My father wasn't at my wedding, I bought a home 3 years ago and he wasn't there, we are moving back to my hometown and purchased a new home and he isn't there. It hurts man. I wish he could be here. He tries reaching out but I've ignored most of his messages and emails. I said Merry Christmas to him and told him I hope he has a good support system and that I would like to eventually have contact with him through a therapist but I'm not ready yet. He replied but it took me until today to actually read the reply.

There was this big email typed out that sounded amazing, he was understanding and giving me space and he was very kind... The further down I read on the email I saw he had typed that his initial reply was AI. He said "I made my reply AI so I could be what you want me to be and say what you want me to say".

He totally fooled me.

The email goes on in his own words. Immediately the email is constant guilt pushing. He always plays the innocent card and says I'm running out of time to have a relationship with him because his health is declining.

"The only trama in my life that is slowly and surely killing me is the one were I lost my daughter (but not in death) and she refuses to speak to me about why she thinks I’m have no value to her? That’s the one I’ll die believing you never loved me and never will.. I feel so sorry for you most of all as you have to live with this so much longer than I do.. I tried everything to get you to communicate but you pissed them away.."

Ive also had a friend of his reach out to me and tell me he is showing signs of early onset dementia (I blocked her). I know he's mentally unwell but man it hurts. He was a really good parent to me when I was younger and I have soo many positive childhood memories with him. But in order for me to have a relationship with him I have to bend to his needs instead of him trying to get help and become a healthier person so we could have a healthy relationship. He won't do it, he always says we need to talk and he has no idea why I won't talk to him but if he took responsibility for 5 mins he would understand. But he cant..

Because it's too painful.

So now Im expected to carry the brunt of his pain instead of carrying my own and living my life. People reach out and tell me he's my father and I need to have a relationship with him because he doesn't have anyone or anything. Why is it my fault that he chose to live his life this way? Why do I need to be the one who saves him? I've spent my entire life saving my parents.

The guilt and sadness are real, the fear is real that I will live my life with regret forever and I won't ever be able to go back once he's gone. It's so hard.

I know people will say it's my fault that I reached out to him to begin with but I sometimes do this in hopes that he will show signs of changing and it never ever happens.

F*ck dude.. Im still grieving the loss of the father I'll never have. It's so hard to process and to accept it.

The pain is unmatched.

Is anyone in a support group for these things?