I'm a mess (vent)

And I don't think I even have an eating disorder

I've gone through disordered eating habits throughout my life but this month something switched in me, and I've been an utter mess since

(Really hoping I spoil the numbers correctly) I started eating an average of 600 calories a day. Lost a lot of weight in such a short amount of time, which even surprised me

Every time I reached my goal weight, I would shift it lower because I didn't think it was enough

And honey moon phase? I didn't get one. There were some days where I wanted to recover because I knew what I was doing wasn't right, but at the same time I didn't. I wanted to feel okay mentally, but I didn't want to stop what I was doing

It has been life consuming. Hobbies? I don't have any anymore. College has become a struggle because of lack of energy. Every hour my thoughts are filled with food

There were a few hours on some days where I would try to recover, only to fall right back into what I was doing

Right now I'm trying to recover from whatever this is (it's only been 3 weeks so I don't think this is an eating disorder). I'm miserable. Can't stop thinking about food. I'm fighting off tears constantly because I feel so bloated and I know I'm gonna gain weight

Trying to eat more because mental hunger is insane, but my stomach is so physically uncomfortable constantly that I feel like I'm gonna vomit most of the time

So this is all to say...I'm trying my best to pick myself up. I'm scared I'll be too weak to fight off all these thoughts and urges, and I wish every mirror in my house could disappear because looking in them makes me feel worse. But I'm trying so hard to heal

I know that, logically, this is worth it. I just wish I could believe it with my heart, too