Completely blindsided - Wife wants divorce after I catch her sexting her boss, blames who I was as when we dated.

Long post incoming, I (M 32) and my wife (F29) have been together 11 years and married for 7.

If relavant at all im an anxious attachment and my wife is an avoidant.

In June we found out my wife was pregnant, this was a huge surprise to us as my wife had serious health problems a few years back and the doctors told us pregnancy was almost impossible. Unfortunately the doctors advised us to terminate stating the health risks to my wife were very high, and we decided to move forward with termination. We both were messed up from needing to do this, however we knew it was the best route for my to ensure my wifes health. In order to avoid needing to do this again in the future, I decided I would get a vasectomy.

My vasectomy took place in September, and after I got that, my mental health took a dive. For some reason I really struggled with the phrase "what am i doing on this earth if not procreating." We never outright said we would have kids, we both were under the assumption "if it happens, it happens." I think it was just all of it combined, needing to terminate and then getting the vasectomy all took its toll on me. I decided to take FMLA for a bit in order to get my mind right.

My wife is a workaholic, so she really dove into work during this time. Long hours, etc. She has a very important position at her work in upper management, lots of meetings, running her department and such.

She had a conference she went to that was a few hours away one weekend while I was on FMLA. At that conference she was much slower in her responses to me, and things just felt really off. (Lots more things but to save time not listing them all.) The following week things felt very off, so i went through her phone and found a nice dick pic from her boss, and their sexting that they had been doing.

I confronted her immediately, she said the sexting started after the conference and nothing had ever happened before then. I kicked her out of the house as I was very upset and knew her boss was into her and was quite fearful of this exact thing happening for sometime, even though I trusted my wife, her boss had slept with multiple people throughout the years that worked for him, and he spent a lot of time and effort "training" my wife, even though she didn't need it.

After a few days I had her come back home. She immediately went into how terrible of a boyfriend that I was when we first lived together. In fairness to her I was a monster. My mom had died and I was binge drinking a lot - those 2 years are completely blacked out from my mind. I dont remember anything, including happy moments during that period in my life. I only remember the fights we would get into the next morning after she would show me my phone, and have her things packed. She also told the full story of how the sexting started, they went to the bar and she told him about the our abortion, and said she told him "she didnt know how to help me since I was struggling so hard." They started flirting, then he jerked off for her. Then they sexted the following week, and thats when I found the messages.

I have always struggled with those years, as I knew I put her through a lot. So when I proposed to her, I made a promise to myself I would never put her through anything like that again, I said to myself I would be the man she deserved. So I stopped drinking, got my shit together, and after a year and half engagement I showed her I was serious and we got married, and I can proudly say I never did anything after proposing that would ever make her lose faith in me again.

But when she started telling me about how terrible I was, she said that I dont even know half of how bad I was. Stating a sexually assaulted her multiple times, was verbally abusive. Things I had no idea had ever happened.

When she told me I did these things I was crushed as I couldn't believe I had done these things to her, as I have never done anything like that or ever been accused of something like this in my life. So it completely blindsided me. She said she wanted to go to couples therapy to work through her infidelity, and also start solo therapy for both of us. She said she thought it would be best if we separated during this time, as she knew she would get upset with me as she started to unpack things with her therapist , and I agreed so I moved a few hours away with my dad so we could navigate this how she wanted.

I agreed and we went to 1 couples therapy session, and after her first solo therapy session she asked for divorce. Stating "she cant heal form me while with me."

Im not sure what I'm looking for in this post here, but I'm extremely confused.

I cant focus on her recent infidelity because she is blaming who I was before we got married and what she says I have done to her, but a piece of me says "well, you married me AFTER all that happened, you knew who I was." I have proven to her and myself that Im not that person. I made the changes I needed to do to become a loving partner, and in her own words has said I've been the perfect husband.

Then I focus on how she was sexting someone while I was still waiting for the vasectomy to be successful, and how hurt I am by that, but that seems to be taking a back seat to everything now, as the story for her is I was a monster to her when we dated and she has never been able to move past what I did.

Im sorry for the long post - but just wanting to write it out and get peoples thoughts. I have agreed to everything she has asked, we haven't spoke in almost a month since she asked for the divorce, only emails here and there for things to pay for our house / supplies I've needed from home.

TL DR: Wife sexted her boss while I was on FMLA after a vasectomy, wants to divorce me for what I did to her while dating.