I cheated

I (HLF29) cheated on my boyfriend (LLM30) around 3 years ago. We have been together since 2019. Sex was never good from the beginning like the first month itself. Most of the time he wouldn’t get hard and I would just cry and he would turn around and sleep. Even when he did get slightly hard or whatever, it was terrible. Finally, after 2 years he agreed to go to a doctor and I was fully supportive. I assured him we will get it fixed. All test results came back normal and then he started therapy and turns out it is in his childhood or him having studied in an all-boys environment always or his porn addiction since college. A mix of all that is what I was told. In 2021 he was moving out of my city to do his masters. I kept trying till the day he left and I remember it was so bad that I was crying so much that the floor was wet with my tears and it was all blurry. The next day he left.

In 2022, a guy I had met back in 2016 DM’d me on Instagram. (I was on a break with my bf then) I started to chit-chat with him casually and maybe some healthy flirting. I was sure I would not do anything about it because I am used to being hit on and I just ignore them. (Background: I really had a thing for this guy back in 2016 but he didn't want a relationship since he was getting out of a serious one.) Anyway, he was coming to my city and I told my best friend about all of this he suggested that I go and meet him because he was worried I was taking this issue too lightly and that I didn't realize what a sexless relationship could do to a person. I was not interested but I went anyway. ( I was meeting him after having spoken to him 24/7 every day for 2 whole months.) We ended up doing it and I caught feelings. He was supposed to be in my city for a week at that time but we never met after that night. He ghosted me. I was so devastated. Like really heartbroken. After ghosting me for 2 whole months (even though we had some pretty serious conversations before he came here) he reconnected with me but by then I was back with my bf. Because my feeling of him being my safest option was validated by this incident.

Now, I told this guy that we couldn't see each other because he broke my trust and all that but he wanted to see me an explain. We met and he explained that he wasn't ghosting me but this and that. After which he spent a week at my place with me. I got super attached to him but I was also very scared of the “what ifs” because of the ghosting. Anyway all this went on for 7 months and he was acting aloof again. I was so heartbroken but I decided that I should be in my sexless relationship rather than being with a guy who I wasn't very secure with or about. I told my bf everything and he said he understood that all of it happened because he wasn't satisfying me. We went back to our normal life. But even today he cant have sex with me. He either can't get hard or the rare times he does there is no foreplay, no excitement. It feels robotic. We haven’t even tried in like 1 and a half year now. I keep thinking about that other guy and I miss him so much and I just don’t think I truly understand what exactly happened and what was going on in my head then. But I feel guilty (for my part), sad, heartbroken, betrayed (by both of them) and I just miss him a lot, I miss the closeness the physical intimacy. I keep blaming myself for not leaving, for cheating, for not trying harder with the person my heart was attached to.

My bf has been asking me to get married but I am not sure. I feel so depressed with all the no sex and guilty from the cheating and at the same time I miss the other guy. It feels like a mess in my head. I am so scared of what will happen next. Will I end up marrying a guy with who I can't be intimate and keep thinking about this other guy forever? Or will I leave and die alone? I