I think I HATE God

I didn’t want to be here so why is it we have to be? I have been emotionally traumatized over and over and over and I’m to the point that I can’t get this feeling out of me. Today… I realized none of what I went through means anything and I’ve lost everything and I’m supposed to just be like I’m going to start again and move on? This honestly is bullshit and I’d rather have died so I can leave without knowing how worth less I am. And to be honest this makes me know I’ve never had faith like i thought I should but it also tells me I will never get this right. This is hell. Knowing I’ll never have a life I feel ok in. I don’t think I can believe in a heaven knowing this is what life is like. What could heaven be if I’m alone now? Will I find love there? Isn’t that a fleshly emotion? No wife no kids? Just an empty man with a woman I gave my heart to deciding I’m not the one for her even though I poured my entire being into getting this right. Today was the last punch I can take. Everyone has a breaking point. I’m not omnipotent and I’m weak. I’m nothing and I wish I could end this life. There is nothing more here for me. I failed