I became a mom and lost myself.

As the title reads, I became a single mom the minute my son was born. No it’s not some tragic story where the husband died (even though sometimes I wish it was true) but my husband was manipulative and abusive, having my son made me see his true colours. After my son was born my ex wanted the easy way out, no not divorce, he wanted to end himself, while me and our (at that time 3 months, now 19 months old) baby were in the same house. This story will be told some other time.

Now I live with my mother who’s loving, caring, and supportive. I also have my sisters and the rest of my family who love and care about me and my son, I’m glad and happy to say that I have a great support system. What’s troubling me is the fact that I’m 30, and I take full care of my son, I have neglected myself since the problems with my ex started to happen. I used to be a happy healthy person, I used to love gaming, I had friends, I used to workout, my body was great, I used to go to the salons, spas and so on. But now I’m just a mom, I’m not saying it’s a bad thing, I love my son, but I have become someone else, I don’t know who am I anymore. My ex was very insecure and he alienated me from my friends, I tried to reconnect with most of them but they all refused (I respect their wishes and I don’t blame them for cutting me off). Sadly I started to hate myself and who I became, it’s been ages since I recognised myself in the mirror let alone feeling beautiful. I gained weight and I just don’t know myself anymore.

I thought about going to the gym and start exercising again but I feel so guilty leaving my son. My sisters did volunteer to babysit for an hour or two but I can’t shake the guilt, not just for leaving my son but also for making them take responsibility for a child that’s not theirs.

I just don’t know what to do and I feel like crying.

PS: I did post the same story in a different subreddit but changed some details, the point of the post is still the same. So no I didn’t steal the story.