Masturbating to sexual trauma?

My mom used to always sit in the living room with nightgown /without pants and sit with legs wide open and that made hell uncomfortable because her 🐱 was exposed

After that i started to get arousal feeling

I told her to stop and she stopped but i still feel aroused everytime this memory comes to my mind and sometimes i jerk off and i feel shame and guilt after this and i wish if i just kill myself because of it

And i feel this is kind of kink , like it turns me on quickly and i hate it so much

I have suffering from this for maybe 4 years

Is this normal? I hate my mom because of what she did and I can’t stand her, because i feel sexual so much and i wanna change that

I wanna get cured