i feel like i suppress more and more

recently i realized (with a help of my partner) that i now almost instantly suppress/erase all negative events in my memory. even just minor ones. like, i can't remember some unpleasant events from a week ago. i mean, if i will TRY i will proooobably dig into the memory...

but it works so automatically now it's almost scary. like in one moment, memory of the even is right here, in my brain, and the next moment i can only vaguely say it was something bad or unpleasant, but i don't know WHAT was it. it scares me.

before, this mechanism was activating only for really traumatic stuff. this is why i don't remember half of my childhood most of the times. (i can remember it if i'm triggered)

but now? i don't understand why it works this way.

this is probably the reason i'm constantly in derealization, it's always somewhere in the background. i always in half-autopilot state. and my emotions are all... flat? negative ones, positive ones. i "know" they're there, but i don't really "feel" them if that makes sense.

and i started to see more and more nightmares. almost every night. i can't really sleep and feel rested at the morning.

i'm so tired of it. i'm so tired.