i cant make friends

i feel like there is genuinely no way for me to create any kind of healthy friendship ever. i cant trust anyone and then once i do i cant open up to them about anything because then they think im asking them to fix it or they take pity on me and treat me like a wounded animal. if they're nice to me i get clingy and if any conversation goes in a slightly different direction i panic about it because obvoiusly they hate me.

i dont want to seem clingy by asking questions like "am i talking to you too much?" or "did that thing i say/question i ask make you uncomfortable?"

i dont know how to keep a conversation going and when i do it feels like im just trying to guess what the other person wants me to say and putting on this performance. i am coming to the realization that im a toxic and bad person. i cant connect with anyone because if i do i know I'll hurt them. i know people that are so wonder and that i really really like and now im realizing that i font deserve them because i cant treat them right and it hurts more than anything. im so broken by my experiences that im doomed to be by myself forever because i dont know how to get better