Complete relapse two months after the fact, on the verge of mental breakdown.

In my last post a day ago, I detailed how I had an emotional breakdown after leaving a bar, and started spiraling and thinking that maybe if I were dead, my ex would care about me.

In the two months since I was dumped, I have had ups and downs, but it's been a surprisingly upward trajectory, and I've actually felt slow progress and growth over time. However, since that moment a couple days ago, I haven't been able to recover from it. Usually, the "bad moments" last an evening, then the next morning I shower, shake it off, and center a bit.

This time, I actually feel like I might be experiencing some form of psychosis or the edge of a mental breakdown. I can't focus on my work whatsoever, and I'm barely remembering to feed my cat. On the verge of tears constantly, and I have constant intrusive thoughts of my ex fucking another (specific) person. I am also experiencing a relatively new feeling of extreme anger and vengefulness, where I find myself fantasizing about my ex suffering. To be clear, not in any violent or dangerous ways, but just thoughts like "I hate you. I hope no one ever loves you again and you're lonely and miserable forever," which I know is wrong, but it feels like I want to scream at her and just unload every negative emotion in my brain onto her in the most scathing way possible.

A lot of this stems from the fact that my ex blindsided me during an argument with the breakup and has since ghosted me, which as someone with crippling anxious avoidance, I have not been able to process or rationalize. Her last words to me before disappearing were:

"I love you, [name]. I really do."

She knew that my biggest fear was her disappearing out of my life without a trace, and I communicated that to her on multiple occasions. She always comforted me and promised that she wouldn't do that. Now, after saying she supposedly loves me, has done the one thing she knew I wouldn't be able to handle. She had other exes that she communicated with on a light basis throughout the relationship. I watched her take a phone call once from an ex that has cheated on her with multiple people in the past to let her know that a dog they had had together had passed, and they had like a 45min long convo about it. So why does he have a line in, but I'm being completely shut out? What did I do that was so wrong other than be overly needy and clingy at times? Am I worse than a cheater?

She has a whole closet full of belongings here at my apartment that she left when she went overseas (where she still is). I'm not talking a pile of clothes. I'm talking clothes, instruments, personal mementos, SD cards, personal writings, medical documents, and even her literal birth certificate and SSN card lmao. I guess she just expects me to be free storage for her until she just arbitrarily feels like she's ready to come calling for her shit. I have phone numbers of her family members, and I am so tempted to send them a text saying if my ex does not contact me, then I'm tossing literally everything into a dumpster.

I understand on a logical level this is incredibly rash, stupid, and essentially illegal (or at least sue-able). I'm just communicating the mental instability I feel right now and how badly my brain is screaming for a single text or call, even if that call is "Are you fucking insane, what are you thinking?" In the current state I'm in, I would actually rather have that than nothing. I feel like a drug addict looking for his next hit of fucking horse tranquilizer knowing full well that my leg is rotting off.

I have struggled with suicidal ideation my off and on my entire life, but it's stronger than ever the past 48 hours. I truly believe, in this moment, that my life is 100% not worth living without her. And I feel completely alone and isolated because the close friends I have confided in about feeling this way don't have anxious attachment issues and can't comprehend why I'd want to be with someone who abandoned me. They don't get it. Even my therapist, who I really do like, is only so much help, and you can only be told shit like "You have to choose that you are worth more than how she perceives you" so many times before you just shrug and don't give a fuck anymore. I truly want to die. I mean that from the bottom of my heart. If I got diagnosed with terminal cancer today, god I would be so fucking happy that God is handling this shit for me and I don't have to handle it myself.

I have had "episodes" like this before in some lonely evenings, but they have always subsided within 24 hrs. This one has been going on for 48hrs with no signs of slowing down. I genuinely feel as if I'm at some sort of breaking point and I'm not sure what to do. I just want my ex to acknowledge my existence in some form or fashion and I am legitimately getting to the point where if that takes throwing all her stuff away or painting the wall with myself, I would rather do that than be ignored.

I am aware that all this sounds insane, but that's what I'm trying to communicate. I legitimately feel as if I'm mentally deteriorating by the second.