Does anyone else ever think "If I died, then maybe they'd care"?

Two months post breakup, relationship of 1.5 years, she blindsided broke up with me over text and blocked me on everything while overseas. Every time I think I'm starting to take a step forward, I take 3 steps back. Went to my regular bar last night to unwind, which I've done multiple times since the breakup, but started having intense flashbacks of a time I went there with her and we made out at the bar. I closed out, left, cried all the way back to the parking garage, cried all the way home, crawled into bed and cried meeting myself to sleep. I feel completely empty and hollow this morning.

I can't stop ideating and thinking that maybe if I finally just pulled the trigger, maybe she'd give a fuck. Maybe if I'm lucky she'd shed a tear for me. I just want her to care about me the way I care about her.

I hate being alive anymore. Nothing makes me happy and I don't think anything ever will again. I don't want to do this anymore. I'm tired.